This is what I meant by that

if only

2012-01-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

It's most unwise for me to go down this path but when I can't sleep the mind spirals out of control.

If only...
My parents could afford to retire
I were closer to my siblings
Work didn't cause me to cry every night and have panic attacks every morning
Honest hard working people came out ahead
I could remember what it feels like to smile a genuine smile
I still had a BFF
People were kinder to one another
I had no regrets

What if...
I'm not running for exercise but running from myself
I had married at 22
I followed my heart
I wasn't lucky enough to be adopted
I were still obese
I had become a teacher
I ran away and started a new life

letters of complaint

2012-01-30T18:05:00.000-08:00

To the annoying, chatty girls at the gym,
I understand the desire to workout with friends. It makes it less of a chore. However, I wouldn't call standing idle, laughing, shrieking, discussing your drunken hook ups and criticizing others in the gym 'exercising'. Besides if you were truly exerting energy you wouldn't be able to have such lively discussions. My iPod is turned up as high as I can stand it. I shouldn't be able to hear your conversations.

To the individuals who hog gym equipment,
Yes exercising is difficult. Cardio should leave you breathless. However hopping on and off the machine every two minutes when others are waiting for an open elliptical is not polite. Either get on and stay on for an extended duration of time or wait until the gym is not crowded to do...whatever it is you're doing.

To the chatty cashiers and other customer service people,
I appreciate you trying to be kind. However you aren't my BFF or even an acquaintance. I'm not going to share with you the details of my day or discuss anything personal whatsoever with you. All I ask is efficient service with a half assed attempt of 'thank you' at the end of the transaction.

To the residents of my apartment building,
Please keep your dogs on a leash. Laughing at me and scolding me for being afraid of your dog is just mean. When a 110lb animal is running after me, growling, barking and nipping at my me, I don't care how 'friendly' they are. You aren't going to change my mind or reverse a lifetime of fear in this particular instance. Also, for the parents in the building, the gym is not a playground. Don't let your kids in there unsupervised and don't allow them to play on the cardio equipment when others are waiting! Letting your 5 year old stand on the machine just to watch the TV is not being a good neighbor. Additionally the hallways are not a soccerfield, hockey rink or running track. You may be tired of your kids but as a parent you don't get a break. You have to figure out how to entertain them. The hallway of the apartment building is NOT an option. And the redneck hick who parks his Quad Cab F-350 with huge ass wheels in a 'compact only' space needs to take his ride outside. The same goes for his souped up golf cart with a gun rack on it. This is a city apartment dwelling, not a home residence with a garage and yard for your big boy toys.

And lastly, to the Universe,
Please explain to me why hard working, decent, kind humans who only want to live a comfortable happy life always get screwed over while the backstabbing, dishonest, selfish, philandering, murdering criminals always come out on top. Don't tell me that 'karma is a bitch' or that 'a higher power will judge them someday'. Even if that happens to be true, it does nothing to ease the daily struggle that is life. It's so disheartening to see people suffer just to survive while others coast through life.

Signed,
me

'fat days' are clearly the work of terrorists

2012-01-29T19:55:00.000-08:00

so i've slowly been cutting sugar out of my diet. i say slowly because i know better than to try cold tofurkey (hehe, tofurkey? because i don't eat meat? not funny?). i've been looking into cleanses and fasts but through all the reading, i've discovered that cleanse pills and powders give the same results as if you gave up eating for five days and only drank water. the supplements just speed up the process. i've also read that you'll feel and smell disgusting as the body cleans itself. if i ever did try one of these, i'd have to take time off work as i wouldn't be able to function without food. also if i stink to high heaven and require a crap break every hour, i refuse to be in public.

me 1999

there are also clean eating diets which are basically vegan and raw food diets. i bought, 'clean sexy diet' in hopes it would shed some light on how to make the transition to eating 'clean' a lot easier. i returned it. basically it was talking about how to balance the ph in your body to reduce inflammation. it made sense but the book also went into great detail about how to use enemas and colonics on a regular basis to keep our systems clean. it also cited prayer on a daily basis. i'm not saying that enemas, prayer and colonics are bad (i wonder if that's the first time enema and prayer have been used in a sentence?) are wrong or bad. they just aren't for me.

me 2012

instead i'm taking steps to modify what i eat, little by little. i've given up tofurkey (for the past 18 months i've had a tofurkey sandwich for dinner almost every night). i eat tofu in very small amounts. i've started snacking on grapes, apples and bananas (i'm allergic to most fruits). i've given up chips all together. i was eating pop chips for snacks as 1 bag is only 100 calories. duh-being the typical idiot consumer i fell for the low calorie trap. i can't believe i was that stupid. i'm making the transition from breakfast bars to steel cut oatmeal in the mornings. i'm eating a lot more beans and lentils (it's a good thing i'm single). so, basically, i hope to control the weight that keeps creeping on.

the worst part of all of this is that despite what the scale says and what this picture i took today say, i still feel obese and disgusting. fat days. i don't understand them. even though it's very likely there's no change in weight, the idea that one can think and feel so different baffles me. i think it's the terrorists getting into our heads and controlling our thoughts. if someone is ever able to crack into women's psyches and erase the synapses that create fat days they will be wealthy beyond their wildest dreams.

battle of the bulge

2012-01-24T12:50:00.001-08:00

I’m in my own version of Hell. Since I’ve stopped running, my body has decided to take its battle against me to the next level. It’s been four months…four very long, excruciating, painful, annoying months (and that’s just for those around me – that’s not the misery I’ve experienced in my own head) since I’ve pounded the pavement. Sure I’ve tentatively gone on runs. When I say ‘run’ I mean a schlep, a woggle. People using walkers moved faster than me. I forced myself to keep my pace to a tedious 5 miles per hour. I should celebrate given that when I first started running over 10 years ago, 5mph was pushing my limits. Now it’s simply a brisk walk. However given I was running an 8 minute mile when my injury side lined me, I’m feeling pathetic.

In addition to missing my state of Zen attained during the mental release my daily runs brought me, my body reflects my lack of running. Sure I’m still exercising. In fact I’ve increased the length of my daily workouts to make up for the calories I burned on my daily runs. I’ve been using the elliptical, doing resistance cycling (aka spinning) as well as cardio endurance/resistance full body workouts. My body doesn’t seem to care that I’m actually doing what trainers recommend and varying my cardio workouts. It wants to run. It only responds to running. Since September a horrifically grotesque five pounds have settled around my gut and butt. It won’t go away no matter how many targeted exercises I’ve tried. Now to be fair it’s only been noticeable the last 2 months. So it took 2 months of no running before my muscles issued a full scale protest and started to sag and expand and bulge. When I was at my heaviest, I was used to being big all over. I’m talking beer gut, back fat, stretch marks and super chubby cheeks. The one part of my body I’ve always liked though, no matter how much I weighed, was my butt and legs. They’ve always been toned. Not anymore. Apparently the middle age spread is more than just a mental issue. My jeans which never quit fit my flat Asian ass in the right way, are now too tight in the butt and thighs. UGH.

I’m going to whine like the entitled, obnoxious humans I often rant against. It’s not fair. I haven’t increased my calorie intake. I’m still burning 600-700 calories a workout like I was when I was running. I’ve even started eating better. I’ve cut way back on refined sugars, processed foods and limited my snacking. YET. The bulge is still creeping up. I dared to weigh myself a few weeks ago. I was prepared to weep…a lot. I only shed a few tears. While I’m about 5lbs up from where I was, it wasn’t as bad as I thought. However weight usually fluctuates for us women about 3 – 5 lbs on a regular basis. So why are my clothes too small NOW?!

I totally admit my ideas about body image and weight are skewed and not healthy. It comes from being obese for so many years. So being a few pounds heavier and out of shape wouldn’t be a big deal for most people. For me, it’s a huge DEAL. I throw Naomi Campbell style tantrums every day (in private of course). I’ve stopped buying clothes because I hate how I feel. I really dislike changing rooms for so many reasons but this is one more added stressor. I’ve switched to wearing bland clothes. I really hate this.

I’m counting down the days until I can run again. I’m frantically searching for a doctor that can give me a second opinion as to whether I can do distance running. While I don’t want to run marathons I long for being able to run about 20-25 miles a week again. Of course since I was TOLD NOT to run marathons now all I want to do is run a marathon. I’m not that insane though.

So in addition to other situations being difficult, traumatic and stressful right now, I’m also dealing with the ONE thing I had going for me: keeping my petite frame petite. I’m normally not a lover of spring but this year, I cannot wait until March arrives. Only 45 more days…

stream of consciousness rant

2012-01-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

ugh this person is so annoying. i hate people knowing where i work. i'm not the spokesperson for the entire company. i also don't necessarily know how to resolve the issues or who can help. why is this woman dating that man. he is an uggo. and i don't mean just slightly less attractive. i'm talking caveman, smelly, hairy, obese ugly. she's a hottie. he must be great in bed. or maybe she doesn't like to have sex. either way...ick. guess what people when you randomly yell, 'excuse me' on a crowded street i will not turn around. i have no idea if you're speaking to me or someone else. also it's not appropriate to then grab my arm. i will NOT hesitate to yell, 'get the fuck away from me' or even 'rape' if i feel that you're too aggressive. men, be aware that women carry mace and don't take kindly to complete strangers grabbing them. if this were florida, where concealed weapons are allowed with a permit, they'd potentially be riddled full of holes. not by me, mind you, i don't believe in guns. guns make me nervous as do knives, scissors, razor blades and any sharp objects. i can't use a kitchen knife without cringing which makes it difficult to cut food. it's part of the reason i don't cook. speaking of cooking i used my stove for the first time since i moved into my apartment...2.7 years ago. that's right. until now it's been a storage unit for mixing bowls and other pots that have never been used. i'm trying to eat 'clean'. that means cutting WAY back on processed foods and eliminating refined sugars as much as possible. it will suck ass but i've got to get this 5lbs off that have settled around my middle since i stopped running. fucking injury. fucking bones. fucking aging. i don't understand how some people can run into their 70s and yet i've been sidelined with bone issues at 34. hell, there's a 78 year old nun who competes in the iron man every year. i'm talking the official iron man, in hawaii. 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike race and a 26.2 mile run (or walk depending on the athlete). she's 78. she's been doing it for so many years they've had to continually add her age bracket. she runs about 10 - 20 miles a day. but nooooooo. not me. as a former obese person my biggest fear is gaining weight. i mean any weight. even if it's a few pounds. i'm short and very small boned. even 2lbs is noticeable on me. so i'm trying to eliminate sugars as much as possible and only get my caffeine from black tea. as a diet soda addict this is very tough. i'm tapering because quitting anything cold turkey is not a way to be successful. at least, not for me. oh success. success is not something i've had as of late. it seems i've failed at everything i've tried no matter how much hard work i've put into it. it's the most demoralizing and disheartening thing. i'm not just talking one aspect of my life. i'm talking work, personal, romance...all of it. i'd say 'fail' but i'm so tired of internet vernacular. words like 'fail', 'totes', 'zomg' and other obnoxious text like terms can go away. as a writer and a lover of words the fact that the next generation to lead our country cannot even compose an official letter makes me worry. a lot. to write a business letter and input 'text speak' into it makes me want to throw my computer out the window. oh windows. i should look outside at the weather. it's snowing here and you'd think the world were ending. if only this city were equipped to deal with snow. the only upside is that there is no one outside. i wish it were this quiet all the time. i wish people would go away. my brief reprieve from hating humanity only lasted about a week. i now hate people even more than i did prior to my vacation. it's very obvious that our planet is too crowded. it's made even more crowded by fat lazy americans taking up too much space feeling we are entitled to be disgusting sorry excuses for humans. guess what america. most people eat 1/16 of what we do on a daily basis. and they survive. and are happier! and healthier! yet we insist on gorging ourselves with fatty processed fake foods served on platters not plates. we joke about bacon covered donuts and meat sandwiches in which the 'bread' is actually more meat but we continue to eat that crap. while i was in london everything was 1/2 the size of what it is here. my friends were laughing about how big their baked potatoes were. they were the size of a baseball. here our potatoes are at least a foot long and we think that's normal! their apples are the size of my fist. here apples are the size of softballs. and that's in london - the rest of europe actually laughs at englanders for being too fat. and yes there is a weight problem in the uk but no where near what we have here. the average brit walks 900 miles a year. i'd be willing to be bet it's no where near that. i've seen people drive to their mailbox at the end of their very short drive ways. it says the average person walks 5 miles a day. i doubt that. even me, who's extremely active and will always take the stairs and park as far away from a building as possible and rides mass transit, struggles to get in 5 miles. of course i do exercise 90 minutes a day but that's still not the same. as i said though i've been the fat one. i've been the lazy one. so i'm part of the glutenous, rude, snobby, american culture as well. i could find a village in africa or move to a remote town in alaska and live off the land. but i don't. it's just frustrating that our society is in such a state now that we have criminals running the country and honest hard working people go without jobs for years. i hate it all. i hate seeing the average family go without and struggle while the nepotistic, self centered, back stabbing, assholes get ahead by talking a good game, flashing their smile and throwing down some money. i've had people tell me i'm a chump for not using my connections or by not doing something unethical to get ahead. i wasn't raised that way it's not in me to only do something half assed. yes it means i'm taken advantage of and often overlooked for things. what annoys me though is when people say, 'the others will get their dues' and 'someone will judge them one day'. i don't believe that. this is life. it is what it is. while i'd love to say that karma has taken revenge on everyone who's ever done me wrong i know better than that. it's not going to happen. but telling someone, 'don't worry, one day they'll suffer' isn't doing any good. i will smile and nod agreement when someone says it (especially if it's my mom because she means well) but i hate hearing it. and depending on the messenger i find it highly condescending. it's like saying, 'this too shall pass' and 'it obviously wasn't meant to be' when relationships end. just offer your sympathies. no need to chime in and make it worse. people don't know when to stop talking. and on that note, i'm ending this mindless stream of consciousness rant.

counting down

2012-01-18T04:30:00.000-08:00

Let me say, I adore my loyal followers. Thank you for all the kind comments. You ‘listen’ and don’t judge. Instead of automatically telling me to take Prozac, you recommend natural remedies and offer words of encouragement. In some ways you know me better than my “IRL” friends (that’s ‘in real life’ for those of you not up to date with your text speak). Nothing irritates me more than hearing someone say, ‘get a prescription’ when they hear someone is stressed, feeling blue or going through a tough time, medical professionals included. I know the biggest source of my angst and taking drugs will definitely not help. The one thing that will help is in no way whatsoever related to drugs or therapy. It’s one definitive action but at this point in my life I cannot do that. So, coping mechanisms are needed.

In 53 days I can start running again, according to my doctor. I will of course have to refrain from going balls out and running more than 4 or 5 miles. Trust me; I’m itching to do that now. I’ve been ‘woggling’ when I do make it outside the gym. Basically it’s a really really fast walk or a very very slow job. I’ve been feeling ok. I’ve had to force myself to stay at a super slow pace. I’ll also be seeking a second opinion on whether or not I can run long distances. The hip specialist told me I can never run long distances again. That was some of the most crushing news I’ve ever received. I’ve been following a blogger who crushed her entire pelvis less than five months ago. She ran a full marathon this past weekend. If she can complete a marathon with two pins holding her pelvis in place, I can one day run distances again. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a marathoner. I have no desire to run a marathon. I’ve trained for two and both times were sidelined by injuries. I simply want to be able to run on a daily basis. I know I won’t be able to put in the 50-60 miles a week like I was doing but I am hoping to hear that I can safely run about 30 miles a week. My sports rehab doctor seems to think I can with the proper training and body maintenance.

As of today there are 67 days until I’m leaving on a jet plane for another UK trip. I cannot wait. There’s nothing I enjoy more than spending time in London with my friends. I can figure out the Tube and Rail systems. I found a gym that allows you to pay a per diem so I can still get in my daily workout. It’s my home away from home. This trip I *might* try to get to Wales, Cambridge or Manchester. I was even thinking of going to Belgium or Spain. However I’ll probably hibernate, catch up on my reading and drink copious amounts of tea. There’s no rule that says I have to do anything on my vacation. Simply being in another country with my friends is vacation enough for me.

Strangely I have no rants today. Again it’s because I’ve stopped caring. This may soon change I’m sure as I am easily irritated. For now I leave you with this adorable picture of an otter.

source

ennui

2012-01-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

Call the 'wah-m-bulance'! HEHE - wait, what? I'm the only one who laughs at my sense of humor? Not surprising.

Ima gonna grouse...a lot. You've been warned. Read at your own risk.

Since returning from London I've been in a colossal funk. There are several reasons for this. Some I can discuss and some I cannot. The ones I can talk about are very obvious. No one ever wants to return from vacation, unless of course you're on an ill fated Italian cruise (too soon?). My time off was just what I needed. I realized that while I'm normally a taciturn curmudgeon, I had become a hallowed shell of my former self. It was pointed out to me that I never smile anymore. I don't laugh. Unhappiness hoovers over me like a little black rain cloud. Additionally my doctor loves to remind me that I'm working myself into a breakdown, physical and psychological.

I had 10 days to decompress. It took all 10 days to come down from the hyper alert state I'd been living in for the past 18 months...well, actually the past 6 years. It took less than half a day back in the real world to undo those 10 days. In fact, it started on the plane ride home. That was the fastest 9.5 hours ever. With each passing minute I could feel my muscles tightening, my blood pressure increasing and my entire body bracing for impact. And I'm not talking about the airplane. As soon as the wheels touched the runway, I could feel the acid rising in my stomach. No way could I handle the return to the post apocalyptic disaster my life had become. And at that moment, I checked out.

I've been sleep walking through my routine since last week. That's ironic considering since I don't sleep. I haven't felt one single ounce of emotion about anything. Well, I take that back. I feel a lot of wanderlust, sadness and a giant gaping hole of nothing. I miss London. I miss my friends. I miss the brief moments of happiness I felt while there. During my time off I felt happy again. I tried to remember the last time I felt happy and I honestly couldn't remember. When I smiled, it felt weird. It was as if I was trying to smile through my Botox except that I don't do Botox.

It doesn't help that when I returned I receive some news. It was not good news. It basically made the last 20 months of my hard work totally obsolete. It also made me stop trying. It's obvious that hard work gets people no where. It's not about the effort, it's about politics. I've been a witness to this my entire life but kept fighting against the system. I kept hoping that I would one day find proof that hard work would pay off and the underdog wins. HA freakin HA. I'm finally coming to realize this is only something that happens in Hollywood.

So. I give up. I can't keep busting my butt at a breakneck pace for no reward. I can't continue to stress, toil and kill myself to do my best when I know it won't do any good. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." I now have the wisdom to know I cannot change anything. Nor do I care if I do.

So here I sit. I'll do what I need to survive through each day, wait for the weekends and dream of my vacation time when I can hopefully enjoy myself, even if just for a short bit of time.

I've come to realize, "And that's all there is, there isn't any more".

suck it 2011

2012-01-03T00:18:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I'm writing this from London, England!
It was just another tearful, stressful, rage filled weekday for me. I was fed up and my wanderlust had me googling airfare to London. It had been just over two years since my last visit. I pulled up the site, typed in my dates and to my surprise, tickets were cheap! Cheap is relative given it's an international flight my tickets were the same price I've paid in the 'off season'. I was shocked considering it was the week between Christmas and New Year but as my friend pointed out, everyone had already traveled and booked their return flights home. That makes sense.
I begged for a measley four days off work. I wasn't sure I would be able to do it considering it was last minute and I was already failing miserably in all ways. But I took that as a sign that I needed a break. Fortunately the travel gods were smiling on me that day because I was granted the time off (knowing that I'd be busting my ass before and after to make up for it). A week later I was packing my bags and heading across the pond.
I arrived at 11:30AM GMT on New Year's Eve. My hosts had also returned from a two week trip to the states so we partied into the wee hours of the morning. Then we slept until 4:30PM the next day (which was about 8:30AM PST). It was great though. I was introduced to Jools Holland and heard some fabulous musical artists like Imelda May and the Vaccines. He also had Jessie J, Cyndi Lauper and James Morrison. It was quality TV. I wish they had something similar in the US.
Yesterday my friend and I walked along the South Bank and visited a few of the museums. The majority of the museums in London are FREE! The exhibits are incredible! I bought 8 books and even with the price conversion I paid less here than I would in the states. I'm not sure why books cost so much more at home.
Today I'm heading to Brighton. I'll be there for two nights. Of course the weather is horrible - windy and rainy. I don't care though. I plan to do a lot of shopping and piss away a shit ton of money. I'm serious. I haven't had a proper vacation in over a year. For the past 2.5 months I've worked non stop without a day off. I've earned this vacation.

2011 sucked and that's putting it nicely. It wasn't any one big event. It was simply a lot of little stressful things. It didn't help that news of the world was full of gloom and doom. 2011 wasn't just a bitch to me; it seems that everyone in my life had a negative year. I was so happy to see it end.
I don't do resolutions. I don't look to milestones like birthdays or holidays to restart my life. But being here has made me realize just how crazy and unhappy and exhausted I am. My primary care doctor says the stress is literally killing me. My sports doctor says that aging is a factor in my running injury. My family says I'm a shadow of my old self. I can feel a mental breakdown in my near future. It's hoovering over my shoulder. In fact, I think it's replaced my shadow as the feeling is constantly with me. Weekday events haunt my dreams. I've been fretting about my return since the moment I left. I'm so worried everything will fall apart and I'll be fired. It's a fear that stays with me.
So, I'm hoping that being here provides the down time I need. I'm very reluctant to return to the real world. I'll have to make the best of it. Maybe I'll hop on the plane back home Friday and maybe I won't.
Anyway, hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. Let's all put in good thoughts for 2012.

inconceivable

2011-12-22T12:58:00.000-08:00

It says a lot about our culture when we are willing to let racist, homophobic, self righteous, philandering, lying, backstabbing, hypocritical bigots run our country.

There is not ONE politician who is honest, ethical, moral or charismatic enough to run our country. We need to kick them all out of office and start from scratch. The government needs honest, hardworking business people to change the direction of this country.

The world might not actually end in 2012 but America's reign as Number One Nation probably will.

evil

2011-12-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

When people in a position of authority use their 'power' to manipulate, torment, torture, abuse, threaten, coerce, take advantage of the innocent or for their own selfish agenda are just as evil as murderers, thieves and other violent criminals. This goes for those who abet them or turn a blind eye to what's happening as well.
I hope they all rot in their own personal hell.

what have we become?

2011-12-07T08:42:00.000-08:00

It’s a given that all politicians have had at least one extramarital affair or sex scandal…in fact they aren’t a politician without one. We are surprised when celebrity marriages DO last. Drug problems in young teen starts are expected. Unwed teen mothers are glorified and given reality shows. Murderers can buy their way out of jail and then be given a book and TV movie deal. Celebrities can go on drug and alcohol fueled rants and rather than destroy their careers, it makes them ricer. We talk about the sanctity of marriage and won’t let same sex couples wed; meanwhile men and women can get married just for the hell of it and then divorce 24 hours or 72 days later. The same states where the death penalty is legal and frequently used are also the states where they argue that a fetus is already a person.

Reality shows prey and capitalize on toddlers in make up dressed like hookers (Toddlers and Tiaras), under educated, drunken jerks that spend their time tanning and fighting one another (Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, any of the Real Housewives) and people living with mental illness (Hoarders). Even once harmless reality shows like ‘HouseHunters’ have turned into shows mainly featuring whiney, over privileged people. Hell, I turned to Disney the other day and the show had tweens talking about bra stuffing and encouraging girls to act stupid so boys will like them. Et tu, Disney?

The stories that lead the news each night are sensationalistic. Breaking news updates are typically about something inane and ridiculous. Meanwhile men and women are still dying every day while fighting a war that should never have started in the first place. Children are going to bed hungry. Families are struggling to make ends meet. Yet none of these stories make the news.

Our government is no longer ‘of the people, by the people, for the people’. Those elected to office are rich, privileged career politicians who have the money and the publicists to create the public personas we see. Long gone are the hard working local business men and women running the government. We have returned to the oppressive monarchy rule that our country fought so hard to escape. The people ‘in charge’ are criminals, adulterers and insincere gits. No wonder the country is in shambles.

Ten years ago on 9/11 we saw horror and tragedy. Our country came together as one. Exactly 70 years ago our parents and grandparents witnessed a similar horror, though not immediately but it was violent and grotesque none the less. Clearly we have learned nothing. It didn’t take long for us to return to our old ways. We are immune to the everyday violence that takes place in our neighborhoods. We turn a blind eye to those the need help. Americans are overweight, greedy, wasteful, lazy, hateful, violent, self-centered, under educated snobs.

Ironically the season of giving starts off with Black Friday – a day which people pepper spray, trample and beat up their fellow man just to save a few bucks. I’m pretty sure that the big screen TVs and the game consoles and the laptops aren’t going to the homeless or needy.

By no means am I saying I’m perfect. I’m certainly guilty of being a greedy, judgmental, ignorant human being as well. It makes me sad. I’m disappointed in myself and my fellow ‘humans’ and I use that term loosely.

I'm a mean Ms Grinch

2011-11-28T09:02:00.000-08:00

Normally I adore this time of year. The months of October to December are pure bliss for me...usually. This year it's all passed in a blur. The leaves changed and fell to the ground in the blink of an eye. I apparently slept or worked through the fall season. It's already threatening snow and storms here. The holiday decorations are up, I've purchased two holiday CDs to put me in a festive mood and yet...nothing.
My Turkey Day was spent very briefly with my parents. While they are lovely and don't bring up the fact I rarely visit, I felt guilty. The rest of the day and weekend were spent toiling away on none fun things. I listened to horror stories of Black Friday. I watched the OWS protesters continue to rant about consumerism, the lack of jobs, the evil big corporations. As I sat at my desk I could literally hearing the virtual 'cha ching' of a cash register as people spent money online. An acquaintance talked of her two hour volunteer experience in which the underprivileged, self righteous, sheltered, spoiled young 20 somethings bitched about having to give up two hours to put up holiday decorations for drunks and bums.
The woman who maced her fellow shoppers, the people who walked around a dying man...these people were more obsessed with saving a couple of dollars than their fellow humans. I'm pretty sure that the $200 TV at WalMart wasn't a gift for a needy family. It was going to hang on the wall in a man cave. The Holiday Barbie, the Zhu Zhu hamsters, the iPads are all gifts for themselves or their immediate family. The money being shelled out isn't going to pay for a week's heat for a family, put food on the table for Christmas or even spent on a charity. In reading people's tweets about the 3AM deals they scored, it was all about them. Most of what was purchased was for themselves...not for gifts or for those less fortunate.
This year, more so than ever, I'm feeling horrible (physically and mentally). My year has been spent busting my butt at the office, being injured, stressed and sick. The world economy is in the toilet. There are natural disasters, man made disasters, violent protests, bombings, wars, famine, disease - all of this news comes at us in a moment's notice. I really hate humans.
I usually avoid the stores and malls this time of year, just as a general rule given my fear of crowds. This year I'm avoiding because I won't be celebrating the holiday. Yes I'll gather with my family on December 24 and 25. I'll give the kids their gifts. That's as far as I'll go. No holiday parties for me. No acknowledgment that this time of year is any different than the rest of the year.
Hopefully it's just me in this state of mind and everyone else is able to celebrate, enjoy and love their fellow humans. I'm not one of them.

at least TRY to sound intelligent

2011-11-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

As my loyal readers know, one of my biggest pet peeves is poor grammar. It bothers me much more when I HEAR it versus READING it. When I'm reading, my eyes are moving so fast that I won't dwell too much. Plus writing is like a signature. Each writer has their own unique style, their own way of expressing their voice. Faulkner loved run on sentences. e.e. cummings never used punctuation. Although I have to admit the improper use or overuse of commas, using too many fragments or not being able to create a proper sentence when the occasion calls for it angers me as well. As much as I love twitter, it's obvious grammar usage, crafting a decent essay or even writing a letter/email are skills that no longer exist. When I was dabbling in online dating, I refused to answer emails that were written as though they were text messages. You're writing an email. There's an entire keyboard at your disposal. You can type out 'you'. You can forgo using acronyms like 'ttyl' or 'kk' in the email. For those who don't know, 'kk' stands for 'k, kewl'. Don't even get me started on changing the spelling of words in emails. Or should I say, 'werds'?

Because it's a requirement for liberals, I listen to NPR. It makes me physically cringe when I hear the host or one of the expert guests use the wrong verb tense or mispronounce a word. I want to rip my ears off when I hear it. These are supposedly highly educated, successful individuals. If they're going to address the public on a regular basis they need to sound knowledge. They need to know how to pronounce 'library'.

Of course some errors bother me more than others. The worst offenders are below:
LIBRARY is a three syllable word. It's not 'li-berry'.
Gotten - no, no, no! Do NOT use 'gotten'. It should be banned from the English language.
'Had came' - ARUGH! This is not proper use of verb tense! Helping verbs are always used incorrectly.
Double negatives - no comment
Ensuring the verb tense matches the noun correctly - 'she be' or 'I is' or 'we is'
ASK is not what you use to chop wood. Don't say 'AXE'.

(I found a link to other words or phrases that are often used incorrectly).

Now I admit to not being perfect, especially as I'm writing. I'm sure I've massacred many sentences. I use dangling participles (snicker), gerunds and split infinitives. But I always ensure that I'm using correct grammar when I speak. I WILL judge people on how they speak. I don't care if they have a PhD in English from Harvard and are the Poet Laureate of the US. If they sound like a hick I'll assume they just fell off the turnip truck coming down from the Appalachian Mountains.

What inspired my rant today? I heard Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, say 'gotten' during an interview. All respect for him was lost.

This post was brought to you today by the letter 'H' because people can't decide whether it should be a silent letter or thought of as a vowel ('an' history or 'a' history?).

Really?! I mean...REALLY?!

2011-11-01T10:14:00.000-07:00

Raise your hand if you're shocked or surprised that Kim Kardashian is getting divorced. Yea... I'm surprised it lasted 72 whole days. They made $17.9m on that wedding. It's disgusting on so many levels. I sort of feel bad for Kris Humphries because he seems clueless. He may not have "LOVED" her but he seems like a deer caught in the headlights. Also that's his meal ticket. He's a third rate NBA player who hardly makes any money (in comparison to the rest of the NBA crooks, I mean, players). He won't last long without a Sugar Mama.
This has so many people riled up. It should! What a sham that it was allowed to happen. What a SHAME that straight people can pull this shit all the time yet same sex couples are fighting for the right to wed. What a sad commentary on our society.
In other celebrity non-news, Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Word is that Creepy Papa Joe tried to pimp out photos of his daughter's growing belly for millions. It's a bit too late for that, dude. So, when no one ponied up the cash, she just confirmed via Twitter. Thanks, Jessica. Your dad is just as smart as you are.
Bank of America is reneging on their $5 debit fees. Let me just say, I am not surprised but the fee isn't going away. They're going to hide it elsewhere. I believe I've mentioned several hundred times I worked for them and they are evil incarnate. And the banks that say they aren't going to charge debit card fees? Good for them but they, too, will hide them somewhere else. Banks are a for profit organization and need to make money somehow people. Some of them are more obvious about it.
So did you hear that noise yesterday? It was subtle but definitely there. That was the sound of Mother Earth groaning. The world's population hit 7 billion yesterday. It was just over a decade ago that we were at 6 billion. At this rate the planet's resources cannot sustain human life. It's scary to say but usually nature has a way of solving issues like this. It's called mass extinction. There will either be a global pandemic or natural disaster of epic proportions (like an ice age or super volcano) to help take care of the situation. If you look at the historical DNA, there is evidence of this. It's only a matter of time. I'm not saying it will be in our life time or our childrens' life time but it's bound to happen.
Oh what a Debbie Downer I am today.
It's because I'm burnt out and bitter. I can't go into great detail. Let's just say that I've been busting my ass for ages. I help others when I can and go above and beyond all the time. Yet the same courtesies aren't offered in return. My efforts go unnoticed. Instead of 'good job' or a simple 'thanks', what comes back in return is 'this isn't enough'. But I keep going because I was taught to always do my best, be a team player and eventually the effort will pay off. We'll see... ethics and integrity.
Anyway, it's November. What what? The holidays are nearly upon us. It's frightening how fast the year went by. Frankly that's fine with me. 2011 can bite me. It's not been kind to me.
Hope everyone else is having a better day, week, month and year than me.

they probably pay in pennies too

2011-10-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

Our local newspaper does a weekly 'rant and rave' section. It features five or six comments about awesome or abhorring experiences in the area. Typically it's thanking strangers for random acts of kindness or cursing rude drivers or citizens. Today though someone said gave a 'rave' to a local restaurant for taking an outdated gift certificate. The expiration date on the gift certificate? 1999. Um...what kind of cheapskate even TRIES to redeem an expired gift certificate (not even a gift CARD - it said certificate) from 12 years ago? 1999! We were just starting to worry about Y2K. Bush hadn't even been elected the FIRST time. My youngest niece was still a 20 week fetus. I mean really... The restaurant honored it. Yes they should get a rave. I'm going to see if they'll take a check from my Aunt that's dated 1985. People who try to use expired gift certificates or cash outdated checks are the same people who haggle over a penny, return their ten year old comforter and demand a new one as the old one is threadbare and buy two ply toilet paper and then spend hours unrolling, unplying the sheets to create two separate rolls. I know we're all feeling the pinch of the economy but there's saving and economizing and then there's outrageous.

my body is my worst enemy

2011-10-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

Getting old is not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately I’ve been getting old for quite some time. I’m what people call, ‘an old soul’. I’ve never felt that I fit in with my generation. I often utter phrases like, ‘those kids today’ and ‘stop this racket’. I’m one Mumu short of being the cranky old neighbor lady who yells at the kids.

In my short time on this earth I’ve had the most bizarre ailments. I’ve seen more doctors and specialists than I really care to see. When I get sick or injured, I don’t just go for the common cold or a sprained ankle. Oh no… I’ve had weird afflictions, been misdiagnosed and had procedures that are usually reserved for people three times my age.

As a young child I had surgery on my ear because I had an external sinus cavity that never closed. Basically I had an extra hole in my head. It plagued me. When I was 3 I had surgery to remedy the bizarre issue. I went 15+ years without it bothering me when I suddenly and strangely contracted what I suppose was a staph infection in said sinus cavity. I had to undergo a series of painful lancings, drainings and finally another surgery to scrape the hole clean (yes you heard right, scrape) and close it up again. It was so painful. Even though I was an adult I took my parents with me to the doctor’s office and am glad I did. I was kicking and screaming in pain.

A few years later, to diagnose what they thought were ovarian cysts, I had an ultrasound. OMG. It was so uncomfortable. I had to drink 32oz prior to the ultrasound and of course, NOT empty my bladder. Up to that point I had an extremely strong bladder. I blame the current weakened state of my bladder on this experience, though I’m sure it’s not really the cause. Since I’m an overachiever, I went overboard and drank about 64oz of fluids. This made my bladder too full. The technician said I had to empty it, but only part way. It took every single bit of self-control I had to pee for 5 seconds and then STOP. ARUGH! To this day I cringe when I think about it. Once the ultrasound was done, they forced me to lay there while the radiologist read the results. TORTURE. When I was given the all clear, I sprinted to the bathroom and let loose a primal groan as I emptied my bladder. In between leaving the procedure room and heading to the lobby, I peed three times before leaving the hospital. And then the bus trip home took too long and I peed my pants in the elevator of my apartment building. Awesome.

In between the peeing my pants and the pus lettings, I also had a couple of mammograms. I have fibrocystic breast disorder. Because of this it’s more difficult to detect potential lumps in my breasts. So I go in every two years for mammograms and ultrasounds. Fortunately for my bladder, the breast ultrasounds do not require any intake of liquid. But my breasts don’t escape the cold, vice grip of the mammogram machines. Seriously, can they not think of a better way to take images of our breasts? The machines are cold. They aren’t one size fits all. When I was fat I had bigger boobs so they fit into the machine easier. When I lose weight, my boobs shrank. They didn’t fit so well into the compression machine so the techs have to grab, push, mold, adjust and smoosh them into the space. Sometimes they would adjust the machine after my boob was wedged between the plates. I blame my stretch marks on the mammograms I’ve had. The fact the left one is bigger is also something I blame on the machines.

Let’s see…oh yes. I’ve had a CT scan for a strange bump they found on my ribs. I’ve had a stress test on my heart because I was having heart palpitations and they didn’t know why. I also had to wear a portable EKG machine for three days so they could track the irregularities (side note: I couldn’t shower for three days because the cords couldn’t get wet. EW). About three years ago I had to have my bladder blown up to diagnose interstitial cystitis. It’s as painful as it sounds. At least for this procedure they were able to knock me out. However they put so many tubes up my yahoo that it burned when I peed for three weeks.

I’ve been plagued by chronic tonsillitis and recurring UTIs. My retinas are detaching. I get bouts of vertigo from time to time. I was misdiagnosed as being bipolar (I’m not which is good but that was a nightmare). I was also misdiagnosed with thyroid disease and high blood pressure. Both of those diagnoses were wrong. Needless to say I changed doctors after that. I’ve suffered from insomnia from the time I was an infant. I have Reynaud’s Syndrome, acid reflux and severe food allergies. I also contracted some freak virus in 2004 – basically it’s like having chicken pox/cold sores in your THROAT and NOSE! Um, yes. It was painful. The worst part is that it lies dormant and when I get stressed out, it likes to show up at terrible times. It’s worse than having the flu. In college I came down with a terrible bacterial infection (thank GOD it wasn’t meningitis) but I was deathly sick for a week. A month later I got walking pneumonia. I have neck and shoulder issues from a skiing injury I sustained in 2000. I’ve had my nose and rib broken which aren’t common breaks. There are also a few other mishaps that are too gross to even disclose here.

And now? Now I have stress fractures in my hip and pelvis. Three of them to be exact. I’m waiting to get into the hip specialist. I’m not in too much pain. The fractures don’t have to be set or anything like that but they are fractures. So…my running hiatus continues. I hate it. I’m hoping that they’re small, that rest will heal them fast. I also am going to get laser treatment on them, too. The physical therapy I’ve been doing has helped some so I’ll continue down that road for now.

Can I just say, BODY, please cut me a break! From head to toe there is literally something wrong with each of my body parts. I’m calling ‘uncle’. I’m tired of the strange ailments. I wonder what it would feel like to go a day without chronic pay or worrying that I’m going to die from some obscure disease or affliction.

I've seen enough doctors to last me a lifetime. I don't want to even think about how awful it will be when I'm in my golden years. At this point I'd ask that they make me the Bionic Woman.

catching up on my rants

2011-10-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

Occupy Wall Street

I won’t be actively protesting nor do I fully understand what the actual point of OWS is now. Originally, yes, I know it was to make a point about corporations, banks and general anger over the state of the US economy. It’s turned into such a strange conglomeration of issues though that I’m confused. It’s a modern day version of Hoovervilles. The sit-ins have turned into mini cities complete with street names. They have twice a day meetings. They aren’t allowed bull horns so the crowds repeat every word the speaker says. There are tents set up for prayer, yoga and various other interests. Food is available. People with money are pooling resources to pay for things like blankets, food, and antibacterial sanitizer.

One of the biggest ironies is that a lot of groups seem to be protesting corporate America yet they can be seen eating food from major corporate restaurant chains. They’re using smart phones and laptops to tweet and update FaceBook pages. Many participants are wearing brand name clothes.

The initial point of the protests, anger towards banks and Wall Street is something I get. In 2008 the government bailed out the banks, using tax payer dollars. Instead of paying us back by lending more money, the executives have since pocketed any profits. Bank execs received $20B in bonuses in 2009 and another $20B in 2010 rather than repaying the government loan. I don’t expect that we, the taxpayers, would actually see the money in form of refunds but given the government is always threatening to shut down, that money would help them. Banks continue to lay off employees by the thousands and raise customer fees. The banks justify it by saying that the government is changing laws, causing them to lose money because of these legislations and regulations. Oh boo hoo. As a former bank employee, let me assure you, they are not hurting for money. Employees went several YEARS without raises. We saw resources slashed in every way. Case in point: I ordered supplies for our department. Every single purchase was scrutinized. We conducted new hire training. When I would order basics like pens and training packets, I would have to justify each item. I once ordered a box of a dozen Bic pens. They cost about $2 for 12. I was sent 6 saying that I didn’t really need the entire box. ‘Bring your own pen’ was a running joke on our team. Yes. Sad but true.

Here’s a great story written about the bail out: http://www.thereformedbroker.com/2011/10/15/a-call-to-action/

I won’t be protesting. The growing crowds frighten me. I keep waiting for violence to erupt. When you put that many people in one place, especially when the reason for being there is already anger, nothing good can come from it. I wouldn’t be surprised if French Revolution style mobs to start storming mansions and beheading executives.

That being said, I’m just as outraged as the majority of Americans these days.

On a somewhat related note, I’m not surprised by the actions of the Governor of Alabama.

Having lived in the deep, assbackwards, crotch of the nation (aka the South) for almost two decades I witnessed first-hand the racism and ignorance that runs rampant down there. The latest atrocity is the state of Alabama passing a law that requires immigrants to carry papers with them at all times. Hmm, to me that sounds a LOT like what Hitler required the Jews to do.

There are a lot of immigrants in this country. They come from countries all over the world (though why they wanted to go to the South I have no clue) but they don’t all LOOK foreign. Of course he’s targeting nonwhite immigrants, specifically the Mexican migrant workers.

Because of this law, children are noticeably absent from school. Migrant workers are not showing up for their menial, backbreaking, less than minimum wage paying jobs. Farmers are saying their harvest is suffering because of lack of workers. Interesting. The only people who will perform manual, dirty, backbreaking labor for chump change (and not benefits) are migrant workers. An Alabama senator said “It’s an insult to Alabama’s citizens to say they won’t take jobs that are deemed ‘undesirable’. There are people out there that will do anything for an honest day’s pay”. Well, funny how those people aren’t flocking to fill these jobs. And yes they ‘might’ do the work but they’ll want above minimum wage, fair working conditions and benefits. That will cost the employers much more than they would pay the migrant workers.

It will be interesting to how Alabama, or as I now call it, New Germany, handles this mess.

Speaking of unfair wages and working conditions, what about those NBA players?

Sorry you horrifically overpaid, untalented, egotistical bunch of thugs in the NBA. I don't feel sorry for you...at all.

I discovered and became enthralled with the existence of the NBA in the late 80s. As with most youth during that era, we were enthralled with the marketing campaigns that made Jordan, Byrd and Barkley a household name. We all, girls and boys alike, raced out to get Reebox Pumps and Nike Airs. Since it’s a parental requirement to enroll your children in organized sports, my sister and I played soccer in our early years. Come junior high though we both begged to play basketball. My sister, the tall, graceful, natural athlete excelled. I, the klutzy, stocky, short, bottom of the gene pool person, was not as talented. Even in the rec league, I played maybe five minutes a game. Regardless, come every spring, my friends and I were glued to the TV watching the NBA playoffs. The basketball players were revered as demi-gods in school. The basketball cheerleaders were leaders of the Mean Girl, In Crowd. Basically it was basketball fever.

Fast forward a few years to when the players’ shorts became longer and baggier. The players suddenly grew a foot taller and about 100 pounds heavier. They didn’t hustle so much as lumber and stumble up and down the court. We saw outrageous endorsement deals for players like Shaq and LeBron. That was followed by the NBA lockout in 1998-1999. AND THEN…NBA stars suddenly started acting more and more like thugs rather than role models.

Basically I lost all respect for the NBA around 1995 (interestingly about the same time I also got pissed at the MLB players for THEIR strike). Actually I’m over pro sports in general. There isn’t one professional sport that hasn’t had some sort of strike or protest over salary: NHL, MLB, NBA, NFL…

I say that we force the professional athletes, movie stars and all executives to forfeit 5% of their annual pay to the government. I think that would help fix some of the money issues. Of course that would mean our government would have to effectively use the money. That’s a rant for another time.

gallimaufry

2011-10-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

I was inexplicably sad about the death of Steve Jobs. I knew it was inevitable. He was looking so frail towards the end. Plus he was still young, only 56, so why step aside unless the outlook was grim. Still, he was only a few years older than my brother. It goes to show that no one is immune from tragedy. Why did this celebrity death push my buttons though? I really have no idea.
In other news, I've been ridiculously busy and stressed. My injury is stressing me out. My j-o-b is causing me grief. I've been really struggling in the creative department. Hence my lack of blogging.
To cope, I've been doing online retail therapy. I don't know why I shop online. Well, I DO know why. I hate going out to shop. However, it frustrates me to no end when items take too long to ship or when I have to return an item. I know my sizes at each store but every once and a while an item will look NOTHING like it did on the site. So I have to return it and wait forever for my refund. What really gets me is when I pay extra for 2 day shipping but don't receive the damn package for two weeks. Yes, I'm talking to you Gap Inc. The majority of other clothing e-tailers have figured it out. In most cases I don't pay for 2 day shipping because they are quick to process and ship my order (Urban Outfitters, Free People, American Eagle, JCrew). For some reason, the evil Gap Inc can't pull their thumb from their butt and figure out processing/shipping. It's not difficult. If I pay for 2 day shipping I expect the item processed and at my door in 2 business days. It never fails. Every. Single. One. of my orders from Gap or Old Navy will take 4 to 5 business days to process then 2 days to ship. I've written to them. I've explained that all other e-tailers have my items to me in 2 business days' time. They send back their standard canned response that I'm an idiot. It takes time to process. They must only have two people working in their warehouses then. To add insult to injury my orders from Gap and Old Navy have always been wrong. I've received the wrong size or color. So I stopped ordering from them. Then I stopped shopping with them.

via jcrew

I've not been thrilled with the style of clothes in general these days. I'm showing my age. I did take a chance though and order these pants from JCrew. In the 80s I adored my Guess jeans with the zipper at the ankle. I lived in them. My mom would have to sneak into my room at night, wash them and then return them before morning. I've wanted a pair since they've been back in style but since I'm short I've never been able to find a pair that has the inseam I need at a reasonable price. I want them but am not going to pay $200 for them. JCrew was having an uber clearance so I grabbed them. I hope I'm not disappointed. They're final sale.

I have an update on my injury too. I've been in physical therapy with a sports specialist. Who knew that stretching was so important? I mean, trainers say to do it but when I'm done with a workout, I'm done. I want to shower and relax. The last thing I want to do is spend 15 minutes cooling down and stretching. But it's absolutely necessary. Basically what's happening is the muscles and tendons around my hip socket are inflamed. It's pressing against my sciatic nerve. Also the obturator muscle/tendon are rubbing against my sitz bone making sitting quite painful. It feels like there's a knife stuck in my bone. I go for treatment where he cracks my lower back and does really painful movements to release the tension around those areas but it will take some time. He's undoing several years worth of tightness. Then I spend 30 minutes in PT strengthening and stretching the muscles.

I started back up with yoga as well to ensure I'm getting enough flexing in my schedule. OMG. I used to do yoga once a week but stopped a couple years ago. I'm so stiff I can hardly do any of the moves. My instructor immediately identified me as a runner. He raced bikes on the amateur circuit for decades so he had similar flexibility issues. Of course now he can do all the amazing yoga poses like balancing on one arm in a frog position. Next week I'm starting an eight class intro to Power Yoga series based on the teachings of Baron Baptiste. I'm actually quite excited. What frustrates the piss out of me though is that I am not healing as fast as I want. I had to cancel my trip to see my sister. It's too painful for me to sit for a few minutes let alone five hours on a plane. We were going to run the Columbus Marathon on October 14. I've never been to visit since she started her PhD program at The Ohio State University. She's also teaching classes and I was going to watch her lecture, too. I've rescheduled but lost the price of my ticket (because of course they don't give money back - and to rebook I have to pay $150 extra for when I DO use the ticket). Plus the price of the marathon is not refundable. They don't even give refunds for injury with doctor's note or incapacitation. I think that's pretty unfair. I hope in the spring I can visit her and have a proper vacation.
So anyway, hoping to get back up to speed soon and be on top my snarky game!

oh...life

2011-10-02T22:48:00.000-07:00


credit: samARTha

I'm so glad it's fall. We've had a couple of perfect fall days so far. This year they will be short lived given we had a non-existent summer and winter is predicted to be long and cold like last year. Yesterday I lounged in bed all morning reading. It was dark and dreary, perfect for staying in bed. I wallowed. I read. I dozed. I have yet to find time for my annual Gilmore Girls marathon but plan to do so very soon.

So, yea...I was wallowing yesterday. Why? Up until September 10th I was running an average of 7 miles a day. As you know, running is my therapy, my Zen, my outlet. It's how I think, decompress and unwind. I did my usual 7.5 miles on a sunny late summer day. I woke up the next morning and as soon as my foot hit the floor, I knew something was wrong. I was in excruciating pain. The strange thing is, nothing unusual happened on my run. I didn't trip, tweak or twist anything. I did my normal cool down routine. But I was walking around like an 80 year old in Depends. Since that day I haven't been able walk without pain, let alone run. I've tried running a couple of times. It was frustrating. I made it about 3/4 a mile before the pain forced me to stop. I finally broke down and based on the recommendation of a fellow athlete went to see a massage therapist/chiropractor/rehab specializing in sports injuries. After over a decade of running, my hip flexors are protesting. I'm the first to admit I don't stretch properly. I'm not a fan of yoga, even power yoga, so I will make a lame attempt to stretch after a long run but really just want to hit the shower. In addition to the pain in my hip flexors I also have shooting pain in my sitz bones and something is pressing on my sciatic nerve. I'm a mess. I can't sit without pain, I can't walk without pain. I can stand in one place and that's about it. Out of sheer stubbornness I've been using the elliptical machine and the spinning bike to work out but it's not the same mental release. Plus they are not full body workouts so my middle is already spreading. I've cut back on sugars, cut out a meal to reduce calories and do longer workouts to make up for the spread. It's not really helping. So I'm not getting my mental release from running AND I'm losing my muscle tone. My jeans are feeling extra tight these days. That's with only three weeks of not running. One of my biggest fears is that I'll gain back the 60lbs I've worked so hard to lose. I went to a yoga class tonight. I'm researching Rieki. I'm hoping the sports therapist can help as well. To add insult to injury I was supposed to run the Columbus Marathon with my sister in two weeks. This sidelined any plans. I'm not sure I'll even be able to make the trip because sitting for longer than 15 minutes causes me great pain. I can't imagine being on a plane for five hours then driving another two hours. I was even planning a quick trip to London to see my friend but again, 9 hours on a plane...not possible. I've not been blogging much because of it. I've been grouchier than usual as well. I'm trying to NOT let this take over but having something I love so much taken away from me in the blink of an eye, no warning at all, is difficult for me. Not knowing the extent of my injury I hope to be running on a daily basis by the end of the year.

At least it's fall. I do love this time of year. October and November are my two favorite months. Pumpkins, spices, cool weather, brilliant sun, fall decorations, football...it's all so wonderful. I keep saying that ONE year I will spend a week driving around New England enjoying the changing foliage.

Anyway, hopefully that explains my absence. I've been saving up my snark and have a couple of posts in the making so I should be getting back to updating on a regular basis. I hope everyone is having a great fall so far!

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Ten

2011-09-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

I will NOT be posting a picture of me. I'm not feeling very good about myself as of late and I want to put up on that shows me at my best, not my worst. I am in the process of creating a verbal picture of me, though, so I will post that when I finish it.

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Nine (but really it's day six or something)

2011-09-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

Counting Fail!
Somehow I ended up skipping the five foods. I think it has to do with my aversion to foods. I've developed an allergy to so many things. I've been a vegetarian/borderline vegan for two years. I'm currently struggling with some injuries that have put the kibosh on running which I hate, abhor, detest, loathe (and various other words for hate) with every fiber of my being. Additionally the injury means the Marathon I was supposed to run with my sister next month won't be happening and I'm not even sure I'll be able to run the Half Marathon. I'm also gaining weight because of the injury which is at the top of my lists of fears being a former obese person. So...anyway, I skipped the foods and it was clearly a (not so) subconscious slip.
Anyway, I eat the same foods every damn day so I don't really have anything exciting to add here. I guess if I *could* eat anything I wanted, I would eat:
-steak
-red velvet cake
-pumpkin scones
-french fries
-broccoli (yes that seems odd but it's one of the rare veggies I LOVE but am horribly allergic to!)

ugh my ears!

2011-09-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

I think most of us can agree there are certain words that make us cringe when we hear them. Once again, Cracked, my favorite website for random information, compiled a list of words that need to be banned from the English language. There are a few words that make everyone's list because they sound terrible. I suspect the others are on list because they are difficult to say. No one sounds sexy or smart saying 'rural'.
Frankly I would also add most words pertaining to the human anatomy or illnesses and disorders. Words like: secretion, sebum (sebaceous), mucus, scrotum, uvula, rectum, cyst.

Here is the list from Cracked:

Panties

Dollop

Phlegm

Ointment

Rural

Moist

Jowls

Bulbous

Yolk

Slurp

Pulp

So what did they miss?

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Eight

2011-09-18T05:43:00.000-07:00

Two Songs
Music is what drives me. I've constantly got a song in my head, even if there isn't actually any music playing. I once did a post about the soundtrack to my life. I have moments where I'm 'observing' my life as if it were a movie and there's a montage playing while various scenes flash quickly in front of me - but not in a 'life flashing before my eyes' death kind of way.
To narrow it down to two songs is such a difficult task. Much like the sense of smell, there are certain songs that instantly transport me back to a particular moment in my life.
Much like the movies, these are two songs that come to mind right now.
-American Pie
-Wreck of Edmund Fitzgerald

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Seven

2011-09-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

Three Movies
Again, trying to narrow it down to three? As an avid viewer of my favorite films over and over again, I don't know how I can narrow it down so I'll just list the first three that pop into my head!
-Mary Poppins
-Summer Magic
-Ferris Bueller's Day Off

A long long time ago...

2011-09-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

I miss when video games looked like this... or when they required just ONE quarter and you could play as long as you had lives left.
Sure, we owned a gaming system when we were younger. My dad's a self taught computer nerd so we always had the most state of the art home PCs which we could use for games as well. I wasted many an hour playing Pong, memorizing PacMan patterns, searching for Carmen SanDiego, traveling the Oregon Trail, getting pissed that I wasn't give the one piece I needed in Tetris. I had a lot of friends who wasted hundreds of dollars on epic length video games that were more like movies than games.
Today I saw this article on Cracked: 5 Ways to Tell You're Getting Too Old for Video Games and started laughing. I haven't actually played any sort of game, short of Scrabble, on the computer or a gaming system in a long time. But I occasionally get the urge when I see my nieces and nephew playing Wii or their X-Box. Then I remember my adult friends who have lost entire weekends getting to the Expert level on Rock Band. Yea, given my addictive personality I need to stay far away from things like video games.

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Six

2011-09-16T04:55:00.002-07:00

Four Books

How do I narrow down my love to FIVE books?!

-Little Women

-To Kill a Mockingbird

-Summer Sisters

-The Good Earth

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Five

2011-09-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Six Places

-my apartment

-my parents’ house

-London

-Paris

-my former BFFs parents’ house

-in front of a fireplace with a book

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Four

2011-09-14T05:13:00.000-07:00

What do I want?
This is an interesting question. Should I go materialistic or the save the world route? I'm sure I could go on for days about things I want.
-health and financial security for my family
-to be injury free
-get my ideal job without having to go back to school then take a pay cut
-new couch and bed
-ability to sleep through the night/cure for my insomnia
-to be close to my BFF again
-a salon that is 24/7 so i could have a massage, a mani/pedi or get my hair done whenever i need

Autumn, I heart you

2011-09-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

It's early on a Saturday morning. The usual hum of the city has yet to start as everyone is still lounging in their pjs. The sun is bright and brilliant in the clear blue sky. There's a slight breeze. The air is crisp, scented with the smell of freshly fallen leaves. Our windows are open, the coffee is brewing, NPR is on the radio. Curled on the couch with a hot cuppa, wrapped in a blanket, reading the paper. This is a weekend Autumn morning.

The clear black sky is sparkling with stars. The full harvest moon lights the path on a nighttime stroll. It's cold enough to need a jacket and a scarf. Jack o'lanterns, corn stalks and other brilliant fall foliage decorate homes. Homes are brightly light made warm with the glow of fires and families settling into their evenings. Returning home the smell of apple cider hangs in the air. Snuggling under the duvet with a good book, the perfect fall evening comes to an end.

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Three

2011-09-13T04:45:00.000-07:00

Eight Fears

I’m cracking up as I write this. I have so many phobias, fears and anxieties that the difficult part of this list was narrowing it down to only eight things:

-flying

-enclosed spaces (especially if there are strangers around me)

-not having a way out of any situation (physical or emotional)

-spiders/bees/dogs (wild animals or critters located in the outdoors)

-falling and cracking my skull wide open or getting hit by a speeding car while walking

-suddenly being paralyzed and not having a way to get help (having a stroke and my mind is functioning but my body will not cooperate) and/or being trapped that way for the rest of my life

-being seriously/chronically ill

-accidentally ingesting something toxic (reaching for my water and grabbing the nail polish remover instead)

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Two

2011-09-13T04:43:00.000-07:00

Nine things I love

This is EASY…or so I thought. I don’t use a lot of superlatives or exaggerations when it comes to things in my life. I’m ridiculously cynical. I’m so jaded that I am afraid to express my liking of anything for a variety of reasons. I can attest to the fact the universe is all about balance. As soon as I even THINK positive thoughts, something negative comes along and balances that right out. Karma has its eye on me…a very watchful one. Perfect example that I love to tell people: a few years ago, my (former) BFF and I were at Target. It was winter. Typical NW weather means it had rained non stop for the past three months. The puddles in the parking lot were so deep and wide it made Lake Michigan look like a droplet. A lady walked by sporting an outdated hairstyle, had a dozen kids in tow and was yelling into a cell phone. Her grammar indicated she was not an Ivy League alum (or even trade school educated). I snorted, turned to my BFF and rolled my eyes. At that moment a Hummer sized SUV sporting Aqua Tread tires drove by, drenching me from head to toe in dirty, old, cold parking lot water. Along the same lines, as soon as I find a product (food, clothes, personal care, what have you) I like; the maker decides to discontinue it. If I start to feel happy and positive, something happens to put me back in my place.

So, anyway, at the risk of jinxing myself, here is a list of nine things I love:

-my family (duh)

-running

-watching my favorite TV shows and movies or reading my favorite books over and over again, basking in the comfort of the familiarity

-anything pumpkin flavored (though lately, I’ve discovered squash/gourds do not like me – damn allergies)

-NPR

-getting letters or cards via snail mail

-laughing so hard my sides hurt

-AUTUMN!

-coming home to my homey studio apartment after a long day of dealing with people and shutting out the world

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day One

2011-09-11T01:13:00.000-07:00

Ten Secrets?
That's tough...the things I'm not afraid of sharing have been shared. Things like my fears, songs, books and guilty pleasures will be shared later.
Let's see...
-I've thought of going to an AA meeting so I can be someplace where everyone will automatically accept and welcome me
-I can't stand reality TV shows, or most of what's on TV these days, so I watch a LOT of Antenna, PBS, Disney, Cartoon Network and Nick Rewind because I miss the feeling of innocence.
-I sleep with stuffed animals
-I hate driving, riding, flying, boating, training: basically any type of travel that involves me trapped on anything in motion
-I can't swim
-I never had braces and I was mad about it
-I've tried to read some of the 'classic' books but find them so terribly dull
-I won't ride in an elevator if it's just me and one other person, especially if the other person is male
-I've had two serious romantic relationships in life. Like Charlotte on 'Sex and the City', I believe we only get two 'great loves'... I peaked at 32.
-I'm a strict rule follower. Of course in school it made me the target of jokes but even today, I won't break a rule or law.

my alternate universe

2011-09-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't know, I'm obsessed with "Gilmore Girls". I LOVE LOVE LOVE the show. I discovered the show when a co-worker said to me one day, randomly, "do you watch 'Gilmore Girls'?". I said I'd never heard of it. She said, "Oh it's this great new show on WB. I saw it and immediately, 'this is such a Kittie show'." I paused and said, "I'll definitely check it out". I was taken aback because I wasn't sure what she meant when she said it was a "Kittie" show. After watching though I was surprised how well she knew me. I was flattered, too. The dialogue is fast and snappy. They interject sarcasm in all the right places. The characters are highly intelligent and so colorful. Plus it captures my desires to live in a picture perfect small New England town. I wish I were surrounded by people like them everyday. The show debuted a year after I graduated college but I found myself wishing I were in school again so I could go to Harvard or Yale like Rory. She reminded me how much I adore learning, reading and writing.
Not surprisingly I own the entire series on DVD. At least once a year I'll have a marathon and watch them all. It's usually in the fall, as the weather starts to cool. I stay in bed all weekend, huddled under the covers taking comfort in the familiarity of show.
Because of Rory, I've read books I probably wouldn't have read. Recently I purchased "Confederacy of Dunces" so I could also commit absurdities with Ignatius J Reilly. I didn't read this book in high school or college so I missed out. I'm anxious to get started.
Rory's HS Valedictory speech always moves me. I rarely show emotions but there are a few moments in this show that can bring me to near tears. I've included below. I'm excited that fall is so tantalizingly close. I can feel and see the changes happening everywhere. I know it will be just a matter of days before I'll be able to bask in the warm glow that comes from Stars Hollow.

"Headmaster Charleston, faculty members, fellow students, family and friends, welcome. We never thought this day would come. We prayed for its quick delivery, crossed days off our calendars, counted hours, minutes, and seconds, and now that it's here, I'm sorry it is because it means leaving friends who inspire me and teachers who have been my mentors - so many people who have shaped my life and my fellow students' lives impermeably and forever.

I live in two worlds. One is a world of books. I've been a resident of Faulkner's Yoknapatawpha County, hunted the white whale aboard the Pequod, fought alongside Napoleon, sailed a raft with Huck and Jim, committed absurdities with Ignatius J. Reilly, rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, and strolled down Swann's Way. It's a rewarding world, but my second one is by far superior.

My second one is populated with characters slightly less eccentric but supremely real, made of flesh and bone, full of love, who are my ultimate inspiration for everything.

Richard and Emily Gilmore are kind, decent, unfailingly generous people. They are my twin pillars without whom I could not stand. I am proud to be their grandchild.

But my ultimate inspiration comes from my best friend, the dazzling woman from whom I received my name and my life's blood, Lorelai Gilmore. My mother never gave me any idea that I couldn't do whatever I wanted to do or be whomever I wanted to be. She filled our house with love and fun and books and music, unflagging in her efforts to give me role models from Jane Austen to Eudora Welty to Patti Smith. As she guided me through these incredible eighteen years, I don't know if she ever realized that the person I most wanted to be was her.

Thank you, Mom. You are my guidepost for everything."

Rory Gilmore, Valedictory Speech (Those are strings, Pinocchio)

ba-ba-ba-blog

2011-09-05T00:02:00.000-07:00

I've been terrible about blogging lately. It mostly has to do with writer's block. When I started a blog in 2005 on the eve of my 28th birthday, (originally it was in another format and my archives don't go back that far) it was meant for reflection. I had no idea I'd become so addicted to blogs. Fast forward six years and social media is THE thing and it seems everyone is trying to do what they can to improve, promote and get their blog out there. I'm still not sure what I'll be doing with mine. I do enjoy the therapeutic feeling it gives me. I love ranting and being my snarky self. I will continue doing that, though I've been suffering media overload so I needed to take a break from that for a couple of weeks. Basically I'm not a crafter or artist. I'm not using this is a way to sell anything. I'm not a mommy blogger. I'm not a freelance anything.
I do think I want to pay for someone to design my blog for me. It's a fairly nominal fee for something cute and original. We'll see. For now I'll keep playing around with the free templates out there (and hope they aren't actually viruses).
So...you know...I'm just here.

it's always something

2011-08-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, when looking up textbook definition of guilt, it only references crimes or moral offenses. It's the medical definition that references feelings. I equate this as meaning it's one more condition that requires medication to fix.

"Guilt: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy : morbid self-reproach often manifest in marked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behavior responses originating in inner guilt and uncertainty"

Anyway, regardless of whether experiencing guilt is a mental illness or not:

GUILT: I haz it.

source: internet

nematode

2011-08-18T00:40:00.000-07:00

As usual my sanity is teetering on strand smaller than a cilia. I tried to find out what was smaller than cilia but not being a scientist I got lost in words like flagella, various 'zoas' and 'zoans' and nematodes. All the while I was giggling like a tween boy at the sounds of the words. They all sound so dirty.
Wait, what was my point?
Oh yes, given that stress is continuing to eat away at my body I'm almost comatose right now. So this post is basically random thoughts written as they pop into my head. Well, the ones I want to share. Some of the thoughts would most likely send the Van Men after me with butterfly nets.

Brain eating amoeba kills third person. WTF! I tried to avoid reading the story as I'm already scared of all microscopic critters and bacteria that are out to do away with humans but it was on CNN, MSNBC and two of my local news sites. Turns out it lives in streams, rivers and ponds usually in the South. The creature enters through the nose, makes it way to your brain and then chows down. Two people (father and daughter) died from it when they went swimming in a stream. The third was a 20 something who used tap water in his Neti Pot. I wish I hadn't read this. I use a Neti Pot. I usually use Distilled water but now am freaking out. By the way, there is no cure.
Rick Perry announces run for President. Hello Bush v.2. Also, he looks like Mitt Romney. It's difficult enough to distinguish one smarmy Republican politician from another but these two look very similar. It's frightening.
Michele Bachmann. Nuff said.
Christine O'Donnell walks out of Piers Morgan interview. If ya can't take the heat, Christine old girl, don't go on news programs.
TLC finally cancels Kate Gosselin's freak show. I admit I loved the Jon & Kate during their first season on the air. I adored watching the sextuplets. But as Kate became more shrill and Jon became more slimy and Mady and Cara became brattier, I had to stop watching. Kate is such an unlikable woman. I don't understand why she's always on the Today show. So good riddance. Of course, I'm talking about her so I'm adding to the problem. I will stop talking about her now.
Abercrombie & Fitch offers to pay the Situation to stop wearing their clothes. Andy Borowitz said it best in his Twitter feed: "If Abercrombie & Fitch starts paying douchebags not to wear their clothes they will have no customers left." I have to admit though I do wish the Jersey Shore cast would go away.
Another celebrity who needs to go away is Kim Kardashian. She is NOT royalty yet the tabloids are all over her wedding. I. Don't. Give. A. Shit. The whole family is insipidly dull.
This just in: too much TV will shorten your life. So will sitting. So will cell phones, eating, too much exercise, not enough exercise, breathing and water. Everything will kill us.
I'm baffled by a study that was recently conducted on teenage masturbation. The findings were that teen boys masturbate more than teen girls. Really? How shocking! Next they'll tell us the Earth is Round and the Sun is the center of the Solar System. Couldn't the money for the study have been put to trying to cure some of the STDs or ED or PCOS or an actual sexual problem?
Poll shows The Tea Party is as unpopular as Atheists. Um... if it's that unpopular why is everyone talking about them?
As if they didn't have enough to worry about (like dying) kids with food allergies, especially peanut allergies, are labeled and bullied. SIGH. One of the examples used was a kid who experienced anaphylactic shock from just BREATHING peanut dust. He had a classmate who would constantly taunt him by carrying peanuts with him and chasing him around. Another example was a relative who continued to feed a child peanuts saying her mom was just looking for attention. So if one of these kids were to die, what then?
People peeing on planes (not in the restroom). First Robert Vitze, the Olympic ski team member, peed on an 11 year old girl. Then Gerard Depardieu (yes, we're all saying it was a thick French accent) pees in the aisle.

I continue to be appalled and disappointed with humans. That's nothing new. I'm still so stressed that even my acupuncturist has given up hope. My two outlets continue to be running and ranting. I wish I could form my rants in a more coherent manner. Basically I'm just regurgitating whatever thoughts pop into my head. Someone who did this well was France Rants. Sadly she is on a blogging hiatus but you can enjoy her past entries here. She's working on a novel and following her dream! Go France! Hopefully she will grace us with her presence again in the future. Another person who rants in an entertaining and intelligent way is TheSuniverse. I heart her and her blog! I always save her blog for my final blog read of the day because it's just so awesome.
So happy (what day is it?) everyone. I think the weekend is near.

moments i'd like to erase: moment #2

2011-08-16T00:34:00.000-07:00

Well, this isn't so much a moment as entire series of memories.
It's no secret I'm a klutz. I manage to drop, break, crush, delete, destroy, trip and cause general havoc several hundred times a day. At least twice a day I somehow bang my head so hard I'm seeing stars (don't ask how, it's inexplicable). Most of these things I couldn't repeat if I tried. I'm just clumsy by nature. Graceful is a word that has not ever been used to describe me. Growing up my parents never made a big deal of it. It was just part of my charm and personality.
My XF (ex-fiance) was very aware of this. My lack of poise and oaf like tendencies irritated him to no end. He acted like I did it on purpose. Sure, I love tripping over my own feet. Skinned knees on adults are super sexy. Of course trying to suppress or control my fidgety, uncoordinated movements, makes them worse.
His parents never liked me. I wasn't white enough, smart enough, social enough, Southern enough, whatever enough for them. Anytime I set foot in their house I managed to do damage. Despite the fact he was able to use his shower on a daily basis without problem, the one time I use it, the pipes leaked and water was pouring from the light fixtures in the kitchen (which was directly underneath his bathroom). Even though I took off my shoes whenever I entered their house, the one time I forgot, I tracked mud on their white carpet. No one else had mud on their shoes. We hadn't been anywhere muddy! During one of my overnight visits, I was making the bed. As I went to shake the sheet (which we all do when getting the flat sheet to fall into place) I shook it too hard. The ceiling fan wasn't even near the bed but yes, I managed to break it. The ceiling fan had two chains, one to turn on the light and one to change the speed of the fan. From these chains hung two ceramic creatures (I think they were owls but can't remember). Regardless, as I shook the sheet, it somehow grew in length like a whip and whacked one of the ceramic critters. The critter flew up into the crystal globe (and you guessed it, it was an antique) and smashed it into bits.
The XF's family loved to pretend they were Southern Royalty which is interesting as his father's family was from New England. To be more precise they were from New Jersey. I'd love to say they were from the Jersey Shore but I'm not certain. The very thought of it makes me chuckle though. His mother's family was firmly rooted in the Gulf Coast Community but they weren't wealthy or famous (or even infamous). They loved to participate in big events where they could be SEEN. The entire Gulf Coast from New Orleans to Mobile closes for Mardi Gras. The celebrations often kick off with New Years and go through Fat Tuesday, which is either in February or March depending on when Easter falls. His family participated in several local social circles - the type which you pay a ton of money so that you can go and gossip about everyone. One of these organizations is a Krewe. Each city has one and they are named for various Gods or Goddesses. Around the year 2000 the XFs sister had recently been initiated into one such Krewe. Every year they hold a New Year's Eve costumed ball to kick off the Party Season. As the Millennium was quickly approaching they were planning the party to end all parties as was everyone else on the planet. At this time the XF and I were living in the NW but not together. I was in Portland and he was at an AFB about 90 minutes away. However his parents had purchased tickets to the ball so that he could attend (with a Plus One). Given that we had been dating for six years at this point, I assumed I would be his Plus One. I started pricing plane tickets (He hadn't mentioned the ball until early November which I realized later was on purpose. He had known about it since the summer). My credit card were already maxed but it was worth it to attend an actual costume black tie affair. My parents had graciously offered to buy me a Ball Gown as my Christmas present for that year. As Christmas neared and he was preparing to travel home, there was still NO mention on his part about the Ball. Finally I caved and said, "I need to get my ticket. Also should I get my ball gown here or buy one there? When should I fly in? What's the schedule? and other questions". Imagine my surprise when he said, "You aren't going. My parents arranged for me to take H". H was my nemesis. His parents LOVED her. She was pale, petite, artistic, her parents were from a well known Southern family. She was aloof and flirty just as a good Southern Belle is taught to be. She was everything I was not. I was shocked...and hurt...and angry. I had every single emotion one could have. After six years of dating his parents still were sabotaging our relationship. And he was still letting them. I refused to speak to him after that. He did not call me when he departed for the Coast. I didn't hear from him until after he returned in early January...which was about three weeks.
Being the immature, insecure girl I was, I grilled him about the Ball. I made him tell me why his parents choose to omit me from the event. He proceeded to tell me, not sugar coating anything, that as I already knew, his parents didn't like me. They weren't fond of us as a couple and thought we should break up. They said I was too fat, not polished enough to be at such an event and I would have been an embarrassment to them. So, did I dump his short, sorry, shitty self? Nope. I continued to take his verbal abuse for another year. The following Christmas was the one of our engagement.
Last week I was out running errands and got lost, which is typical as I have no sense of direction. The gas tank was also on empty. As I was frantically driving around willing a gas station to appear, I was in a huge mental frenzy. I was in tears, sobbing. I was yelling at myself in the car. If I had been speaking to a child in the same manner I would have been arrested for child abuse. After I had calmed myself I realized it was exactly the same thing that used to happen to me. Even after all these years, whenever I do something klutzy, dumb or make a basic human mistake, I berate myself. It's something that I have never been able to overcome post break up. It doesn't help that the second Ex also would treat me like a child any time something of his was damaged or broken.
I was so wishing I could really wipe the entire relationship from my mind. It's frustrating to feel that I've come so far then to relapse in situations like that. I long for the day when I won't have terrible flashbacks. I can't even imagine what victims of severe physical abuse experience or those who have PTSD.

kids' bedrooms from around the globe

2011-08-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

This is a reminder of how spoiled I was growing up. While my bedroom wasn't ritzy or stylish, it was comfy, filled with toys, books and clothes. I'm very thankful for what I have.

This slideshow is quite intriguing (though I wish the portraits of the children weren't so freakish).

another break up letter: Gap edition

2011-08-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Gap (and all related Gap stores):

We. Are. Through.

My obsession with you started in 1989 with oversized t-shirts and tight fitting, high waisted, acid washed “mom jeans”. Like everyone else, I owned several Banana Republic logo map t-shirts. I cinched my pants and put a belt with it like the Gap Girls told me told me to do. I owned a variety of brightly colored tees with matching socks. The style was to wear layered tees and roll up the sleeves to show off the color of the other tee. I also wore two pairs of socks, alternating the colors as well. I also had several denim skirts and the quintessential denim half jacket from your store.

Basically whatever items were available at the Gap or Banana Republic were high on my list of ‘must have’ fashion. Most of my allowance and babysitting money was spent at your establishments.

As fashion changed, the colors became a little more muted, the shoulder pads disappeared, the clothes for women became a little less unisex and more feminine, the prices started to rise. The variety shrunk. Your store started to lose its allure. In 1994 along came Old Navy. For a very brief period, I was enthralled by the cheaper version of your clothes. It was a great place to shop for the basics.

In the late 90s, we saw the Fleece craze hit Old Navy. Living in the Northwest I bought them in bulk as they were perfect staples for the long cold winters. For a short while the quality was good considering the prices.

Almost overnight your products and styles changed at all of your stores. The prices continued to be astronomical. I mean $45 for a t-shirt at the Gap? The variety of clothes at the Gap and Old Navy became even more limited. Due to vanity sizing I’m no longer able to wear much from any of your stores. Banana Republic, Athleta and Piper Lime are all ridiculously overpriced for the products sold. The overall quality of the clothes is very poor. The fabric is cheap. It stretches out and loses it shape after one wear. The material often frays or gets holes quite easily.

I stopped visiting the stores when I found your sales people dressed sloppily in ill-fighting jeans and t-shirts that were far too small for their frame. I despised being asked if I want a credit card with your stores upon every single visit. I tried shopping online but found that your service there was equally as slow and appalling. When I pay $30 extra to have my items shipped via two-day express service I want my items in two business days. What it really means is that you wait five business days to process my order and then sent via two day air. That’s the same amount of time that it takes to ship via Ground service. The last three orders I made, I received the wrong sizes for at least half of my orders.

Then there’s the matter of the advertisements. Like all of America I immediately ran out for Swing Dancing lessons upon seeing your infamous khaki commercial in 1998. All of the musically themed commercials from that year were genius. Even Old Navy’s Performance Fleece commercials with Carrie Donovan were great. The earworm stayed with for months after Christmas.

Now the Old Navy commercials are so obnoxious. The freaky model-quins, the bastardization of 80s songs, the annoying spokespeople all continue to be a turn off. Today my ears were assaulted with what were once fond memories from my youth: ‘only in my dreams’ is now ‘only in my jeans’ and ‘let’s talk about sex’ is now ‘let’s talk about jeans’. Nope. It’s just wrong. I wonder how much you had to pay for the rights to change the lyrics? I’m sure it was much more than what you’ll make from sales. Though with the cheaply crafted denim and other items, you might make some money off repeat customers having to constantly replace their clothes as they fall apart after two wears.

So I’m erasing you from my memory. I will no longer frequent your stores or your websites. I am telling everyone I know to stop shopping with you as well. Until you can return the quality and sassiness that you had in the 80s I will not acknowledge you even exist.

Once a loyal customer but not anymore,

Semi Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-11T00:50:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working on a post but I'm suffering writer's block. After I snark it up I'll post. Until then I had to share this. It's been a while since I laughed so hard.

source

the other side of me

2011-08-10T02:26:00.000-07:00

In my mind, I'm AWE-SOME (said in a high pitched sing songy Barney Stinson like voice)! I'm a smart, sassy, independent, opinionated, sexy, bad ass who can literally run circles around most people. I'm a cross between Ling Woo, Lady Deathstrike, Dr Cristina Yang, Nikita and Sierra (all fictional yet hard core ball busting Asian women featured in TV shows). However...that's all in my head. Much like JD in Scrubs I spend a lot of time daydreaming about how cool I am. For some reason there's a huge disconnect between the awesomeness in my head and the 'real' me. I am not confident enough to walk into a room full of strangers, strike up a conversation with any of them and carry myself with grace and assurance. Social anxiety gets the best of me. I either freeze or stutter and stammer my way through awkward conversations. People look for reasons to run away from me. It's as though I have a socially unacceptable contagious ailment. In previous posts I've talked about my hatred of small talk, the myriad of times I've been called boring and other social disasters. They say, 'fake it til ya make it'. Yea, I've tried to fake it. Let me tell you - when you try too hard it shows. Also when you try to be someone you're not, it's also very obvious. Perhaps one day I will figure out how to unleash my Cool Self from my brain and be able to act the way I feel. Until then, I'll continue to be my uncomfortable, socially awkward, ridiculously shy, wallflower self.

it is indeed a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world

2011-08-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

Um, Double You, Tee, Eff.
Between the budget crisis, stocks literally free falling, the downgrade of our credit, the riots in England (it started in South London which is a bit dodgy; I know as my friend lives in the area) and has spread to include Liverpool. That's about four hours away from London Proper. Then there's the famine in Somalia, the 30 SEALS killed in Afghanistan, the Ohio gunman that killed 8...it's pure insanity. This all on top of the rampage in Norway a few weeks ago. Mother Nature is trying to kill humans with the Heat Dome across the US where something like 13 states have temperatures too hot for humans to handle. Japan continues to be rocked with various earthquakes measuring at least 6 on the Richter Scale.
Plus, I get jittery about everything but the tenth anniversary of 9/11/01 is quickly approaching. The Holy Month of Ramadan ends on August 30th. While 99.9% of Muslims are peaceful, the Jihad extremists may use the Eid ul-Fitr as chance to carry out some sort of attack.
Economists have warned of a Double Dip Recession for a year now and it seems that we're already in the midst of that second dip (not so much a dip as a plunge). It does not look good. When Obama was elected, I celebrated and rejoiced like all Liberals did. But I also said, "He has an impossible task ahead of him: undoing the cluster that was the Bush administration. He won't be able to do it in 4 years. People are expecting miracles from him and will be disappointed no matter what he does. It will make the 2012 election even more scary". Sure enough, here we sit, only 18 months from the next election and already Bachman, Palin, Perry and other Republicans are throwing their names out there. Additionally the Tea Party might just have a chance at taking over and completely ruining our country.
Frankly I get nervous just turning on the news. I read that by 2045 man will find a way to become immortal (Battlestar Galactica was right when they predicted the rise of the Cylons!). While the idea intrigues me, if the world is in even worse shape than today, I'm not sure I want to be immortal.

um, it's not quite the same

2011-08-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

Justin Timberlake says he was teased by the white kids growing up because he sang ‘black music’ and he was teased by the black kids for being white. Lea Michele said she was told she wasn’t pretty enough to be famous. Jessica Simpson used to be made fun of for her ample bosom. Christina Aguilera wasn’t invited to be friends with the other girls because she was too pretty. Um…ok?

Being teased is part of growing up. Actually, it’s a part of life. At some point while growing up, the majority of people were the subject of ridicule. They were tormented or taunted by their peers for one reason or another. For those people with siblings, the insults were hurled on an hourly basis. Those that didn’t have these experiences are very lucky. Some folks suffered through their school years being a loner, geek or nerd. Others went through awkward stages but then gradually grew into strong individuals.

Adults have to endure a different type of teasing. Actually it’s not really teasing. It’s hearing working on ‘areas of opportunities’ and it’s called ‘constructive criticism’. There’s nothing like being told several times what inadequacies we have, how we could improve and have various flaws pointed out to us. For some reason being an adult means having thicker skin and therefore can endure being verbally assaulted all the time.

Don’t get me wrong. Teasing SUCKS. I’ve addressed my experiences of being picked on throughout my youth. I hated it. No one enjoys it. It leaves the person feeling awful. I’m not saying that I think Justin, Jessica, Christina and Lea had it easy. I’m simply pointing out that the media loves to make a big deal out of it when someone famous says, ‘oh people made fun of me all the time’ it’s not the same as having your world ripped apart by bullies. They were able to overcome the insults and have since done something very meaningful with their lives. There are kids out there who can’t say the same. I am very glad that I am not coming of age in today’s world. My heart breaks when I hear about the cyber bullies and the actual bullies in schools. That is FAR beyond teasing. That is made obvious by the suicides that have resulted from all these heinous acts.

My point is that I get really annoyed to hear a celebrity say they felt awkward and didn’t fit in during their youth. Actually I’m tired of hearing every time a celebrity has a bowel movement or goes on a Starbucks run. Really?!

just call me 'belle'

2011-08-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

So you all know I’m a hypochondriac. I was also a psych major so I spent many a night self-diagnosing myself with various psychological and mental ailments.

During my daily visit to cracked (love, love, love) I saw this post on '6 beloved fictional characters and their undiagnosed mental illnesses'. The one that caught my eye the most was Belle and Schizoid Personality Disorder (going forward referred to as SPD). It does point out that SPD is NOT schizophrenia. So I read through the description: "... is characterized by a long-standing pattern of detachment from social relationships," and a sufferer "... often has difficulty ... [expressing] emotions and does so typically in very restricted range, especially when communicating with others."

Sooooo, given my hermit tendencies and increasing disdain for my fellow humans I immediately thought, holy shit! I have SPD! Quickly I went to THE most reliable source of information on the Net (yes there is some sarcasm there): Wikipedia. I should not have done this. Long ago I forbade myself from using WebMD and now I have to stop using Wikipedia as reference for psychological ailments.

After reading and fretting I had to confer with one of my fellow hypochondriacs. She just laughed. She told me my reclusive ways and ever increasing bitterness is not caused by a psychological disorder but rather my current, um, how to say this…'avenue through which I supply basic needs for myself'. Read into that what you will. In speaking with other individuals who know my current situation, they agreed. So I’m relieved that I’m not (entirely) mentally ill. But then I realized that my current dysfunctional mental state is caused by a situation which I really can’t leave right now. GAH. On the plus side, I am glad that I don't have to find a Beast to love because, gross, imagine cleaning THAT shower drain.

Anyway…next time I’ll address my fear that I might turn into a hoarder.

no 'we' for me

2011-08-02T04:04:00.000-07:00

As I was composing this entry, I originally meant to put a somewhat light hearted spin on my Ex Fiance but then realized I came off looking like a big whiny loser for staying with him for seven years. That's seven years of enduring emotional abuse, having his parents belittle me and blatantly try to break us up (i.e. setting him up on dates despite the fact we were involved), knowing he cheated but being too scared to confront him. I put up with his shit for seven years. I'm the only one to blame. So I nixed that idea. Which leads me to the next topic: Have you ever had a realization or an A-HA moment in which everything becomes clear to you? It hits you with such force that you know for certain it's true. I had one today. It had to do with men, dating, marriage. I thought, "I will never utter the phrase, 'my husband' or 'my spouse'". I didn't think it in a panicky, oh my biological clock way. It crossed my mind with such clarity. It was the same matter of fact thinking as, 'I need to buy milk' or 'two plus two equals four'.
So I'm somewhat relieved I don't have to worry about first dates and the tedium that comes with dating in my 30s. I've loved, lost and loved then lost again which according to the 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all' is actually twice as good. Given my track record for choosing men who are insecure, ego maniacal, emotionally distant, verbally abusive, controlling mama's boys, I'm better off by myself anyway. Besides, I suspect I've entered early menopause. It won't be long before I'm a dumpy, middle aged, hormonally deprived sweaty ball of nerves.

is it or isn't it

2011-08-01T01:12:00.000-07:00

Where is it written that just because you are one thing means you're NOT the other? Ok, there's no great way to word that question. My point is that humans need to classify everything. I'm sure it has to do with linear thinking, needing to process and understand, making sense of their surroundings, etc. Admittedly even I struggle with this as I'm someone who needs tangible evidence for things (which is why I struggle so much with emotions and concepts like 'love').
Sure I'm pro-choice but I'm not anti-life. I'm not Christian but I'm not anti-religion. I'm childfree but I don't hate kids. I'm a Democrat but that doesn't mean I won't vote outside my party. I don't care for pets but that doesn't mean I hate animals. I don't drink wine but that doesn't make me a beer or hard liquor drinker either.
There are other topics that seem to polarize people, topics that are outside of the normal realm of controversy (politics, religion, offspring). It seems that everyone is so passionate, so insistent that their opinions are the right ones. In order to make sense of things they have to lump people into categories when in reality that's not possible.
I've been following a very heated debate between cyclists and drivers. Another hot topic right now in the running community is barefoot running vs. running in traditional sneakers. Issues like food (raw food, vegans, pescetarians, freegans), cell phones (iPhones, Droids, Black Berries), computers (Macs, PCs), eReaders (Kindle, Nook, iPad), coffee stores (chains, independents, fair trade), sports teams, cars, web browsers and even werewolves vs vampires all spark heated debates.
Part of being an animal with critical thinking skills is that we have the ability and luxury of making decisions for ourselves. We can change our mind. So once a person makes a decision why is it such a big deal when they reverse that decision? Again even I struggle with this because it leads down a complicated path regarding things like monogamy, employment, morals.
Anyway, I realize I started this but am suddenly not sure where to go next. I'm not one for pondering philosophical issues or grappling with abstract theories. I had writer's block when this popped into my head.
I suppose I should be more careful about my topics. Either that or suddenly increase my IQ from below average to Mensa candidate so I can better think these issues through.

The word that allows yes, the word that makes no possible.
The word that puts the free in freedom and takes the obligation out of love.
The word that throws a window open after the final door is closed.
The word upon which all adventure, all exhilaration, all meaning, all honor depends.
The word that fires evolution's motor of mud.
The word that the cocoon whispers to the caterpillar.
The word that molecules recite before bonding.
The word that separates that which is dead from that which is living.
The word no mirror can turn around.
In the beginning was the word and that word was

CHOICE

-Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker

grandpa

2011-07-30T23:47:00.000-07:00

Whenever the question "if you could have dinner with any person, alive or dead, whom would you chose?". In my younger, experimental years the answers varied from pop culture heart throbs to Jesus Christ (don't ask) to no one. As my parents have started showing their age and the younger generation of our family approaches their teenage years, I find myself thinking about how quickly life passes us by (insert DUH here).
My maternal grandfather was a man I didn't know very well. Since we moved around so much we weren't able to spend a lot of time with the grandparents. It's something I know vexed my mother. She has so many lovely stories about her grandparents and her big Italian family. But Dad's job kept us moving on an annual basis, usually far away from extended family. We kids didn't mind because hey, after the age of 9 or 10 grandparents become really boring. My father's parents passed long before I came along. My mother's mother...well...there's nothing nice to say about her. Mom's parents divorced after two volatile decades of marriage. Grandma went on to remarry...several times. She gave Liz Taylor a run for her money. Grandpa remarried a lovely woman. We never once thought of her as a second wife or 'step' anything. In fact I was a teenager before it dawned on me that she wasn't 'really' my Grandmother but as an adoptee, I know that family isn't defined by blood relation.
Grandpa was a tall, quiet man. He was always reading. He did the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen. He answered every single question on Jeopardy (at least, anytime I would watch with him). He was an extremely talented woodworker. He made me a dollhouse, a vanity table, a doll crib...the list goes on and on. To compliment his talents, his second wife was a whiz with crafts. Along with my toys came hand made doll clothes, crocheted/knitted blankets. She actually made me her own version of a Cabbage Patch doll.
My brothers have many more memories of him. They're quite a bit older than me and lived close to the Grandparents when they were growing up. Apparently Grandpa had a wicked sense of humor. He also had this crazy, maniacal laugh that rivaled any villain in those black and white movies. He loved to scare my brothers with it. He was an excellent dancer.
The last time I saw my Grandpa was during one of our moves. We stayed with them for about a week. I had strep throat so didn't get to spend much time with him. Plus I was a surly 17 year old who was leaving her friends behind to start her life over again at a new school...at the end of her junior year. As it turns out, a week after we left, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. As is common with that type of cancer, it killed fast. Mom went back and spent two weeks with him. He died about two months after the diagnosis.
It's strange. As I grow older I find myself missing him. I'm not sure missing is the right word. I wish I could have known him. I wish I had more memories of him. He would be 92 now so I'm not sure he'd still be alive now if the cancer hadn't killed him. But obviously I can't change things now. I can only ask my mom and brothers about him.
I love you Grandpa. You are missed.

my summer of discontent

2011-07-29T01:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I bother complaining anymore. I don’t mean bitching just to bitch. I don’t do it very often but have in the past have written letters to management regarding poor customer service experiences. Recipients of my letters have included Seattle Metro Transit, Gap/Old Navy and Walgreens. In each instance I composed the letter as a last resort. These correspondences have yielded the typical, ‘thank you for your input, we will address this situation’ reply. In my letters I’m not asking for any type of compensation or free products. My goal is to make them aware of a situation (or in some cases, repeat situations) that have occurred. But receiving a canned response a customer service agent named “John” infuriates me. I know that not everyone can receive a personalized response from the CEO but it would be nice for them to attempt to add a word or two that lets me know they actually read the damn letter. I have ranted about some cases on twitter as well but of course that also goes nowhere. It does make me feel slightly better when others share similar frustrations.

Speaking of rants… I have hit whatever the equivalent of ‘writer’s block’ for ranting may be. Lately without fail, whenever I get on a roll and compose what I think is an original, long winded, sarcastic diatribe, I find out I’m not as clever as I think. After posting my rant, I will discover that another blogger had the same ideas as me. To add insult to injury, their rant is better written, funnier and they have included snappy dialogue. On a positive note though it’s reassuring to me that we’re all bothered by horrific bathroom habits, rude people, bad drivers, the government, cell phone etiquette and reality TV. Perhaps soon I will have a unique rant.

Also while they are not rants, I’ve seen a trend in bloggers that everyone has felt very, ‘blah’ this summer. I don’t have a word for it. There’s a general sense of malaise plaguing us. It could be the bleak state of the economy, the Heat Dome or the terrible tragedies in the news. Increasingly everyone has mentioned that the state of humanity looks pretty grim. No one is kind to one another. We all feel disappointed in our fellow humans. While I am so against antidepressants*, it seems like everyone needs to take a giant happy pill. Though I don’t think we are all collectively depressed. We just need a time out. It’s too bad that the terror in Norway hasn’t reminded us exactly what hatred can do to a person. We should all be nice to each other. In about six weeks, we will mark the 10^th anniversary of the 9/11 terror attacks. While we were all scared and uncertain, as a general population we were kinder to each other. It seems we’ve forgotten in so many ways.

So hopefully we will all snap out of our funk, show our fellow humans a little bit of kindness and get back to our fun, sassy, witty, sarcastic selves.

-----

*I have lots of thoughts on antidepressants that I shall save for another post.

it's no melrose place

2011-07-25T00:08:00.000-07:00

Looking for an apartment? Have I got a building for you! Located in a desirable location, within walking distance to various grocery stores, restaurants, beauty salons and banks. If you commute there's a park and ride nearby. The freeway is mere minutes away. There are two Starbucks, both located a block in either direction. There are great running trails and parks to enjoy as well.
Be mindful though that if you do use the park and ride it's so overcrowded that you probably have to wait for at least two (sometimes three buses )before you squeeze your way onto one. Your fellow commuters take it upon themselves to police the bus stop, tell people where to stand and how to wait for the bus. If it's raining, which it does 360 days of the year, then when the bus arrives, there is a lot of pushing and shoving.
The restaurants, 99% of which are of Asian influence, all close at 8PM. (Side note: I have nothing against Asian food but I'd like a little variety. Besides, I find it best enjoyed later at night). The local grocery stores are often out of stock on basic needs forcing you to go to several locations to complete your purchase. Often times I end up driving to the next community. If you are lucky enough to find what you need be prepared to wait in long check out lines as these food centers don't have self checkout. Because it's a small community often times the cashiers will take three times as long because they're too busy babbling about their personal lives with the customers. Some stores delivery groceries but because the building is uber-secured, you can't take advantage of that service.
The building itself is fairly new. There's a state of the art gym that rivals most gyms. However, you'll have to share with smelly meat heads that don't know the meaning of the word courtesy. Or you'll have to skitter around young children whose parents drop them off and turn them lose (i.e. leave them unsupervised). If you're lucky enough to get a machine, it's rare that your workout will be peaceful.
Speaking of kids...the complex is lousy with them. During summers the pool is over run with kids. That's typical. What isn't typical is that their parents leave them there unattended, despite signs stating that they must be accompanied by an adult if they're under the age of 16. These little ones run around and dive headfirst into the pool (there is no deep end - the entire depth of the pool is 3 feet). If the parents are present they're too busy tossing back wine by the bottle full. When it's too cold for them to use the pool another fun activity is for parents to send their kids into the hall and let them run wild. They love to scream at the top of their lungs, knock on doors and run away, and try to OPEN doors for other apartment units.
I haven't forgotten the four legged members of the family either. There is no weight limit or breed restriction which I find odd for a high end apartment building. Residents can't have birds but they can have Rottweilers, Pit Bulls and other big dogs into the building. Interesting. (Another side note: I know that it's not the breed of the dog that makes them aggressive, it's how their reared and trained. I find it baffling because of the insurance issue). I'm extremely afraid of dogs. Of course the owners don't use leashes so I've been jumped on and charged at several times. They also don't pick up after their dogs. Our elevators smell like urine and I side step dog crap on a regular basis.
Because our building is secure we can only use the stairs to exit the building. This is particularly frustrating for me as I'm a stairs person. I only need to go up one or two flights. Yet I'm forced to wait forever for the elevator (because there are only two for the entire building). If a resident is using one of the elevators to move, then we're limited to one. I have to wait longer if there's a dog in one since I won't be in a confined space with a dog (I'm also claustrophobic).
We also have our fair share of characters that live here as well. There's the weird lady who power walks up and down the hall for hours on end, despite having the gym in the building or the sidewalk outside. There's the unemployed guy who does nothing but sit in the hot tub all day, every day even when it's freezing outside. There's the freeloader who makes an appearance any time someone is having a party or gathering. We have a nice common room that is adjacent to the pool. There's a great big grill and fire pit outdoors. People often rent the common room for parties. His apartment must fact the party area because as soon as two or more people appear to gather he is down there in the midst of all the activity. If there's food, look out. He just lingers and eats the free food. Then there's the voucher. The complex is a square with the pool in the middle. The gym also faces the pool and has floor to ceiling windows. Each unit has a sliding door with those long vertical blinds. There's one resident who stands in the window and stares at the pool and at the gym all the time. This person parts the blinds just enough so you know they're staring but you can't see their entire body.
So if you're willing to pay ridiculously high prices to live in a place with rambunctious children, out of control dogs, drunken, creepy neighbors then you should move here! Please...I beg of you. I need some normalcy around me.

what's next? bambi as rambo?

2011-07-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

Once again let me reiterate that I'm an old soul and a curmudgeon. I consider myself more early Gen X than Gen X/Gen Millennial.
Though I'm a huge fan of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and YA fiction in general, I never was able to get into the whole Twilight inspired Vampire/Werewolf Craze or any other part of the supernatural genre (zombies, ghost hunters, etc). Though I do have to say 'Shaun of the Dead' is one of the funniest movies ever made.
Last night I was flipping through the TV listings guide and saw a show called, 'My Babysitter's a Vampire' on Disney Channel. I groaned out loud. Curious to see Disney's take on vampires I tuned into the show. Holy Crap. My memories of the Disney Channel are warm and fuzzy. They consist of Annette Funicello in mouse ears, crying at the end of 'Old Yeller', watching 'Dumbo's Circus' on Saturday mornings, wishing I had a snazzy leotard so I could dance along to 'Mousercise' and learning about the Pythagorean Theorem from 'Donald in Mathemagicland'. This show keeps true with the basic idea of vampires: they drink blood, they wear sunglasses during the day, they can't stand garlic or holy water. While it's not graphically violent like 'True Blood' nor does it go into the sexual arousal experienced by drinking blood, it still shows fight scenes, drinking people's blood and killing vampires by driving wooden stakes into their hearts. I've never been one to enjoy violence of any kind whether it's a slasher film or a battle scene or slaying monsters so perhaps I'm extra sensitive. I can't even watch shows like CSI, ER or Law & Order without getting queasy. This seems more like a show suited for network TV, not sweet wholesome Disney. But I guess gone are the days when tweens still watch wholesome fun shows from yesteryear.
I will stick to watching HGTV, DVDs of my wholesome shows and the Hub which has developed the concept of early Nick at Nite and shows mostly black & white sitcoms. Yes if Mr Peabody ever does invent his WABAC (yes it's spelled that way though pronounced 'wayback') machine, I will definitely hop into it and transport back to the 1950s or the early days of my youth.

tragedy in oslo

2011-07-23T03:37:00.000-07:00

What. The. Hell.
As if we didn't already know the world was falling apart, today's events in Oslo confirm it. From what I've gathered the shootings were done by a home grown terrorist, right wing Christian extremist. It sounds like he also had something to do with the huge explosion as well. It's pure fucking insanity.
Norway is general one of the happier nations - in fact most of the Scandinavian countries tend to have a healthier, laid back outlook on life. They have low crime, low unemployment. They have higher taxes but they view it differently than Americans do. Money and economic status is not coveted there as it is in the West and in some Asian countries.
What I also don't understand when things like this happen is what sort of skewed version of Christianity does he follow? Some stories are comparing this guy to Timothy McVeigh who also had some very extreme thoughts. Then there's the Westboro Baptist Church - the asshats who picket soldiers' funerals with signs that say, 'thank God for dead soldiers' and 'God hates f*gs' and other heinous messages. Even the Islamic extremists say they are doing Allah's work by eliminating the infidels. Um...what sort of Higher Power (God or Allah or Yahweh or whomever they worship) actually condones the killing of innocent humans?! I know that's why they're extremists. In ancient cultures they would sacrifice virgins and other innocent lives to appease the Gods but it seems so counter-intuitive to me! To me truly enlightened individuals who are connected with whatever higher power they worship should be peaceful. Usually these criminals end up having some sort of mental issue as well but that is not always the case. The Islamic terrorists who are out to eliminate the entire Western Civilization are drive solely by their hatred for us which comes from their extreme religious beliefs.
Anyway, this is just one more reminder that life can change in a millisecond. Tell those closest to you that you love them. Hug your family and friends. Enjoy the peaceful moments.

commercial earworms

2011-07-22T02:02:00.000-07:00

earworm: (noun) informal an irritatingly catchy tune
Most commercials are annoying. Earworms, as stated in the definition, are irritating. What happens when you combine the two? You have a situation that drives a person to the brink of insanity.
You have to hand it to advertisers. Their tactics work. Hock your product by creating a ridiculously pesky tune.
Oddly enough the commercials that stick with me are often for products for which I will never use. One of them is that damned structured settlement commercial in which every breaks into song, talking about how they need cash now. There are a few variations on this ad. Another one that gets me is the girl singing about going to school online. How about the free credit score ~~losers~~ guys? Or Stanley Steamer (though I'll take their jingle over the disgusting commercial that featured a dog dragging his butt across the carpet)?
I don't eat at fast food establishments, even 'healthy' fast food joints. They tend to be some of the worst violators: the $5 foot long, it's good mood food, any of the McDonald's tunes, the Quzinos singing, um, whatever those things were. I don't care that 'got a pepper bar'.
And while it's not an earworm, the toughest commercial of all to watch are the ASPCA commercials. I can no longer listen to "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. They definitely hit home. Point taken. If ever you want to torture someone, force them to watch those commercials over and over again. I have to change the channel when I see them.
I'm sure I've left off a lot of obnoxious jingles from the list. It's because I've successfully managed to block them from my mind. Though one morning I will wake up with the infuriating tune in my head, which tends to happen more often than I'd like.

phew

2011-07-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

...and that's done. I don't have to think about it for another 363 days. I'm talking about my birthday. Blah. I don't celebrate my birthday. It's not because I'm a Jehovah's Witness, though I'm starting to think that I will tell people I am. No one seems to grasp the concept that some people don't enjoy celebrating. To me it's just another day. I don't like being the center of attention. I detest being asked what 'big plans' I have or if I feel any older. I lack happy memories from past birthdays for a variety of reasons.
Plus it's probably coincidental but since I turned 30 I've had something strange things happen right before my birthday:
-The week before I turned 30 I was in a pretty serious car accident that totaled my car and left me with lots of residual pain. Then I planned my own birthday party and invited 35 people to come for dinner. Only 7 showed up (2 of them were my sister's friends that she brought with her).
-The week before I turned 32, my now Ex boyfriend unceremoniously kicked me out of his condo and I was forced to find a new place to live.
-Last year on my 33rd birthday I had a broken rib and had to drop out of a 48 relay race I was scheduled to participate in that weekend. I was out $200 (and a friendship).
-This year, I have contracted another strange ailment, have a terrible case of runner's knee which is keeping me from my long runs (and stuck on the damned elliptical), the gift card my mom sent me is MIA (either lost or stolen en route) and my aunt sent me a scornful message in her card.
The one upside to having these strange things happen around my birthday is that it does make me take stock of things that are going well in my life. And I was flattered and humbled by those people who did remember my birthday (I don't have the date posted on Face Book) so I had a few pleasant surprise notes and texts from people wishing me a happy day.
Maybe, just maybe, for 35 I might treat myself to a vacation of sorts. We'll see though.

as i enter my mid-30s

2011-07-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

(This post was inspired by SarcasmInAction and her awesome blog: Musings of a Sarcastic Mind )

On the eve of my 34th birthday, I publish this list. It's a random compilation of stuff. It's basically a bunch of nonsense that I've spewed from the beautiful disaster that is my mind. Take it as you will...most of my regular readers know I'm a ranting, snarky curmudgeon so this probably will not shock any of them.

Enjoy!

If you really want to get noticed at work, fuck up…big time

People will tell you what they think even if you don’t ask

My mother was right

I will spend a ridiculous amount of money on a decent pair of jeans and I don’t care because I deserve to have a great looking ass

Always go to the restroom, even if you don’t have to

My body is out to get me

Never take friends or loved ones for granted

I’m not a people person

The weather in Seattle is awesome! If you don’t like the weather where you live, move. If you can’t move then you can’t control it so be quiet about it

As lifelong insomniac, I’m envious of people who have no sleeping issues

I’m still waiting for that confidence and wisdom that is supposed to happen when you turn 30

Don’t force your opinions on anyone - respect that not everyone sees things the way you do

Arguing gets you nowhere

I’m not embarrassed by my taste in music

Someone is always judging you

Women and men will never understand one another

Shoes don’t stretch

As a woman who doesn’t want to get married or have kids, I will spend my life fielding questions about this choice – my answer is ‘none of your beeswax’

Nothing is better than a rainy, lazy day in bed with a good book

I only ask questions if I really want to know the answer

Small talk is the bain of my existence

You can’t control whom you love

Flossing is important

We reward unfaithful, immoral, hateful, horrible, idiots in this society by making them insta-celebrities

You may be smart, sexy and competitive but there’s always someone out there who’s YOUNGER, smarter, sexier and more competitive…and willing to do your job for less money

If you don’t want anyone to know about it, don’t text it or post on any form of social media

Protect your internet passwords

Accepting life sucks is first step to finding peace (my butchered summary on the first noble truth of Buddhism)

You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone

DVR is awesome

Don’t let those ideas go to waste! You never know …you could invent the next ‘Snuggie’

Always have an out

If it looks, smells, tastes bad rest assured someone will ask you to verify that fact

Life is short.

a bedtime story...of sorts

2011-07-18T23:57:00.000-07:00

Two caveats:
1 - If you're an avid viewer of "How I Met Your Mother", you'll get the 'read a magazine' reference. If you think I'm referring to 'People', let me enlighten you. In one episode of the show, the discussions are about one of the characters who cannot 'read a magazine' at work, meaning he can't poop while at work. While discussing this, another character thinks that 'reading a magazine' refers to pleasuring himself. In this story, I'm using the euphemism in the context of the latter
2 - Based on my explanation above this is a story involving sex. While I don't get graphic (I don't have that skill. It's one I wish I did have because I'd love to write Harlequin romances on the side) it's quite obvious that I'm talking about masturbation.

Once upon a time there's a girl, I'll call her PYT (an ode to my generation and all the Michael Jackson fans out there). She met a boy, I'll call him Portnoy, Port for short (yes a very obvious reference).   As soon as they met, the attraction was immediate. PYT was shocked, literally, when she shook Port's hand. She could FEEL her attraction to him. Sparks shot up her arm and into her spin as soon as her hand made contact with his. PYT was not an impulsive girl. Impulsive didn't work for her. She wasn't able to trust her gut. Unlike other women, she didn't have that 'feeling' guiding her when it came to men. After a brief conversation with him, she gathered that Port was not the impulsive type either. He was quiet, analytical and very much inside his head. You could almost hear his neurons jumping synapses as the ideas flew through his head.
As their first encounter wore on, PYT decided to throw caution to the wind, listen to her gut (and her raging hormones) and seduce him. Well, seduce him as best she knew how. PYT was not someone who knew how to use her feminine wiles. To say she was an awkward flirter was putting it mildly. She never had mastered the batting of the eyelashes, the silly giggle or the flip of the hair. In the past she'd wound up with a sprained neck and looked like she was having a seizure as she attempted to flutter her eyelids while guffawing.   Perhaps Port was as horny as she was or he also felt the shock when they first touched. Regardless of the reason, they wound up in a furious all night make out session. They didn't immediately sleep together...both agreeing to take things slow. It was a difficult decision but best for both of them. Not surprisingly both had neuroses surrounding sleeping (the act of REM sleep, not the sex part of sleeping) with another person. And of course, the sex part also caused a great deal of anxiety as well. Neither were what you'd call experienced.
When they did sleep together though, they agreed the experience was amazing. Things escalated quickly between the two of them. Soon they were spending most of their free time together, including a most nights. It wasn't long before they swapped keys to one another's apartments. For the most part though they spent most of their time at Port's place. They complimented one another so well that it felt as though they had been together forever. They danced around one another like a well rehearsed routine. Things were going smoothly. One night, when PYT found she couldn't sleep, she wandered into Port's study to see what he was doing. Usually he tinkered on the computer when he couldn't sleep. As she pushed open the door, she was shocked to find him 'reading a magazine'. She glimpsed images of scantily clad women right before he minimized his monitor. The shock wasn't out of disdain. She was fully aware that this is what men do. She was also no stranger to using visual aids when engaging in adult activities. No biggie. What surprised her was that they had literally had sex about thirty minutes prior. They also had been having sex on a daily basis (or more) since their first romp in the hay. He couldn't already be ready to go again, could he? Plus it's one thing to 'read a magazine' as a couple activity or when he was on his own but to do it with her in the next room? Both had active libidos. It seemed their sex drive was in sync as both were always ready and willing to go. She quickly backed out of the room as he jumped up and scrambled to adjust himself. He caught up to her in the living room.
They talked about it and he explained that prior to when they began dating, he was used to 'reading a magazine' on a nightly basis. She acknowledged this and told him it was fine but as most women do, she asked why it was necessary so soon after sex...or why he would choose to do that with a hot, woman who was always ready and willing was in the next room. He didn't really have an answer. It was clear this was new territory for him. His only explanation seemed to be 'comfort'. It had been part of his routine when they started dating/sleeping together. He had found it difficult to give up but he was trying. She had to ask if the images he used were only those of legal age women. He assured her they were. He even offered to let her see them. She politely declined but with a wiggle of her eyebrows she said perhaps it would be an activity for the future.

As time went on and they spent even more time together, PYT quickly discovered that Port didn't just 'read a magazine' at night. He did so several times a day regardless of how often they were having sex. It seemed that he 'read a magazine' at least seven or eight times starting with his morning shower and ending in the evenings as he sat in his study decompressing. On days he worked from home he would 'read a magazine' at least a dozen times. This started to get to PYT. In addition to the magazine reading, she also found that Port loved to play with his own nipples...not just the left one or the right one but both, simultaneously. She quite often would find him with his shirt off, squeezing them, rubbing them. It was a bizarre habit. He did so in a subconscious manner. She finally asked him about it. He looked surprised. He said it was something he'd always done and didn't give it a second thought. It was something he did while deep in concentration. He confessed though he had to make a conscious effort to restrain while at work and had almost been caught a few times when he thought he was alone.
This unnerved her. It was such a strange bizarre habit, though seemingly innocent. During sex he didn't touch his nipples nor did he ask her to do so. So why do so only when in front of the computer and why only himself?
After these discoveries the relationship quickly fizzled. PYT didn't consider herself a prude but she couldn't handle the strange nipple pinching and the frequency at which Port had to 'read a magazine'. He had disclosed to her he also was 'reading magazines' at work as well, sometimes more than twice a day. This was too much. It's one thing to 'read' in the privacy of one's home but to do it at work...and so often at work? For a man who was getting sex on a daily basis his need to still 'read a magazine' was baffling to her. She realized she couldn't put up with the quirks. So PYT called it quits. She wished him the best. Port was understandably upset but understood. It turns out PYT made the right decision. About a year after they broke up, she heard through the grapevine that Port had been caught at his place of work, 'reading a magazine' at his desk. He was immediately let go. He took down his social media profiles, moved away and no one had heard from him ever again.

-----
The above is a work of fiction.

moments i'd like to erase: moment #1

2011-07-18T00:44:00.000-07:00

I'm a pro at carrying a grudge. I'm not proud of it. I realize that it does no good to harbor feelings of resentment. Strangely it's only an issue with former romantic relationships. If I ever could handpick and erase memories ala "eternal sunshine" style then I would definitely choose to erase my serious romantic relationships. Sure, life experiences shape the person we are today. Whatever. I would rather not have these traumatic experiences in my past. I know using the word 'traumatic' sounds drastic but I've had more than one therapist tell me that my relationship with my Ex-Fiance and the relationship with the most recent Ex were both emotionally abusive relationships. I know how to pick 'em.
I find that talking or writing about it helps. It's like surgery. One has surgery when something bad needs to be removed. These memories definitely need to be removed. While it won't erase them, simply being able to talk about it helps.
I am going to do a series of posts about some of the most ridiculous, jerkiest, are you kidding me experiences I had with the exes. As I was thinking about which stories to share, I realized that a few of the situations happened with more than one Ex. Either there are similar asshat moves or I truly am just someone with a huge neon sign over my head that says, 'use me as your emotional punching bag'.
"Are you kidding me?" moment #1:
I didn't immediately get into the series "Lost". Given my fear of flying I avoid any movies or TV shows that have to do with plane crashes of any sort. Hell, I even avoided seeing "Titanic" when it first came out because I was traveling for the holidays and was afraid that watching a disaster movie would somehow jinx my flights. Fast forward a few years to when I was dating X. One night we were wondering what to do. We ended up at the video store and what began as a snarky comment about watching/mocking "Lost" turned into a weekend marathon of the first season. At the time the show itself was in hiatus between the third and fourth season. The following weekend we started the second season and as the show began to get more and more bizarre I knew I needed to take a break. As we wrapped up viewing the second season I said I wasn't ready to tackle the third just yet.
X and I were night owls. We both were life long insomniacs. Our sleep schedules tended to be erratic. Unfortunately we never truly were able to sync up our late night cycles. One night I woke up and noticed X wasn't in bed. The clock said 3:30AM. I knew he was at his computer which wasn't unusual for him. I went to see what he was doing. Sometimes he would watch movies on his computer. We didn't have cable so he would watch his favorite shows like "Dexter" or "Battlestar Galatica" online. I figured he was catching up on one of those shows. To my dismay he was watching the next season of "Lost" without me. He said he figured since I had burnt out on the show he figured he could go ahead and continue watching without me. I told him I wasn't burnt out on the entire series, I just needed a break from the marathon viewings. Feelings hurt I went back to bed. He continued on with season three and finished without me.
One instance is no big deal but as our relationship went on there were more and more instances similar to this one. Quite often he would stop for dinner on the way home from work but not bring me anything. He knew I abhorred going to the grocery store yet often asked that I run out and get him things. We'd be driving or on a walk or at dinner he would call his mom or grandmother, just to talk. It was as if he couldn't be alone with me. Even though I was paying rent and he told me time and again that 'his place was my place, too', he didn't like me to move anything, he scolded me like a child if I accidentally scratched a table or dinged a wall and he wouldn't let me invite friends over.
He once told me he tried to contact one of his exes about a year after they broke up. She was quite upset during the process and he thought they had unfinished business. He said even a year later she was still extremely angry at him and had more than a few choice words to say to him. Initially I thought she was a bit off center. After dating him for two years and his unexpected, abrupt end to our relationship, I now sympathize with her. If she had to endure even half of what I did, then I understand her anger towards him.

does it or doesn't it

2011-07-16T22:36:00.000-07:00

People always say, 'it doesn't matter what others think of you'. So...that's not always true. There are times when it does matter. If you aren't respected or highly regarded you aren't going to get very fair in the work place. If you're a parent what others think of your parenting skills matters if you want to keep your kids. If others think you're a bad driver, a menace to society, a danger to yourself then it matters. So sure it might not matter what others think about some things but it sure as hell matters what they think about others. I'm just sayin'.

is there a kid-free option?

2011-07-15T00:23:00.000-07:00

Let me once again say that while I don't want children of my own, I have the utmost respect and admiration for parents. What a tough freakin job. Also let me say that the fact I don't want children of my own doesn't mean I hate kids. I love my nieces and nephew. I love my friends' kids. Why is everything 'either or'? We're so programmed to force things into a set category. If it's not X then it must be Y. This is especially true with the abortion debate. I'm pro-choice but that doesn't mean I'm anti-life. I personally don't agree with the procedure BUT I disagree with anyone telling me what to do with my body even more. (Hopefully I was able to articulate that last point...my grammar skills have taken a vacation).
Anywho...what was my point? Oh yes. So here's a less controversial but still hotly debated subject: child free restaurants. There's an eating establishment in Pennsylvania and they are not allowing children under the age of six to dine there. It's not a swanky place. It looks like a mom and pop type diner. I see a few issues here:

One - when I eat out, if I walk into a family type restaurant: Red Robin, Cheesecake Factory, Applebee's (or insert any chain restaurant) or local casual diner I figure there will be young kids there. If I don't want to chance it, I just won't go to that place or I'll try to sit in the bar if spots are available. I will also try to go a bit later when younger kids might not be likely to be there. I'm taking a chance as a diner. Families have just as much right to dine out as I do.

Two - businesses have the right to refuse service to anyone they want. It could be kids under a certain age or it could be a person who wants to dine naked or it could be a violent, rude, aggressive person. It's part of living in a free country. So while it might be difficult to swallow as owners they have the right to make this rule. If you don't agree with their policy then don't eat there. Simple.

Three - (personal beef of mine) how kids behave in public. If kids are acting up in public I blame the parents. Yes, kids are kids. They are active, unpredictable, loud little balls of energy. There are occasions when even the best behaved kids will be obnoxious or have temper tantrums. These are rare instances. But then there are the little hellions that have no discipline at all. It's clear that their parents don't notice or don't care that their child is terrorizing every single person around them. And it's not related to just restaurants - we've seen everywhere: malls, movies, public transit, you name it. So I'm not certain but I'm going to guess that the parents and their out of control offspring are the reason that the restaurant changed their policy.

I'm curious though about the under the age of 6 policy. To me it's often the kids between 4 and 10 that tend to be the loudest and most obnoxious. When I see young toddlers and babies, I expect that they will be noisy. Babies fuss. You have little control over that. Toddlers...well, we are familiar with the terrible twos. It's tough. But as they get older it should be expected that they behave like humans. It's one thing to be seated next to a fussy baby. It's another to sit next to a family where the kids are running, screaming and throwing food while their parents turn a blind eye. They aren't even attempting to do anything. That is so frustrating.
When we were growing up, my parents were able to take us out to eat (or anywhere in public for that matter) and we were very well behaved. They didn't have to bring every single toy we owned to entertain us. We knew that we were expected to sit and behave in a proper manner. Eating out was a privilege. If we misbehaved we had to face the consequences. Then we weren't allowed to enjoy that privilege again. Though I don't recall that ever was an issue. It has to be difficult this day in age to discipline your kid in public in any manner. People are so damn nosy. You can't raise your voice for fear someone might report you for being a bad abusive parent. There is no common sense! Yet at the same time these nosy people are also the people who roll their eyes and are the first to express their opinion on your lack of parenting.
It will be interesting to see the fall out from this. I wonder if someone will try to sue them, because it's the American way. If you don't agree or feel offended, let a judge and jury decide. They say there's no such thing as bad publicity so I wonder if the will see more adult customers or if they will suffer as part of the outcry.

what exactly am i hydrating?

2011-07-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

Caveat: this posting is about women and shaving. I don't get graphic or too specific but just warning readers that feminine hygiene issues are being discussed.

I saw this ad tonight. I get the shaving and trimming of the bikini area but what is being hydrated? It also brought to mind those obnoxious Schick Quattro bikini razor commercials. You've probably seen them...women are seen walking by ungroomed bushes (of the plant variety) and as they pass, the bushes suddenly change into tidy, neat, shaped bushes. The first time I watched this ad it didn't fully register that the bushes were changing shape as the women passed them. The second time it dawned on me what was happening. The third time I was just annoyed.
I appreciate the fact that as women we have to do some bizarro things in the name of beauty. (While I don't discuss all the options here, I did a post a few years ago on other insane things women do to their crotches for vanity sake). The same is true for grooming. If you think about it, we are mammals and therefore we have body hair. Trimming, shaving, waxing - it all seems so strange. But I do get it. And I am the first to line up to say yes, I've been bothered by excessive body hair most of my post-pubescent years. I was teased mercilessly in school for having a mustache, hairy arms, sideburns, bushy eyebrows and, um a few other embarrassing things (surprisingly not related to bikinis). As soon as I was allowed to shave my legs and pits you bet your sweet bippy I was a shaving fool. I went to town on my legs. I shaved my arms...little did I know that it caused the hair to grow back faster and darker. I shaved my side burns (which I realize now aren't side burns but kids are mean).
Then there's the bikini issue. I shave my entire leg from sock line to bikini line and I always have. Even when I heard some stupid wives' tale about how shaving above the knee gives you cancer. I'm sure that came about due to those 'good ol' southern values' proper southern women have. But having a half hairy leg is just ridiculous. Living in warm climates swimming pools were fairly common for most homes. I spent most of my summers in bathing suits. I was fairly young when it was brought to my attention that ladies needed to do some extra upkeep during bathing suit season. I heard one woman talking about spider legs on her bikini line and it took a minute to realize she was discussing untrimmed hairs, not the bug. I'm not sure which image horrified me more. Another memory that will be etched in my brain forever is one of my mother and me. We were sunning by the pool. I was 14. We both had on bikinis. She looked over at me and said, 'do you shave your bikini line?' Um...eek! I desperately looked anywhere as long as it wasn't at my mother's bikini line. It was bad enough my mom was in a bikini with me. Discussing our nether regions was not a conversation I was willing to have. I can't recall what my response was though I imagine it was brief and mumbled. I do know I promptly decided it was time for a swim.
When I started having my eyebrows waxed on a regular basis, I was constantly asked by the esthetician if I wanted to wax my lip and my bikini area. I always declined. I bleach my lip because I'd rather have pale hair than have dark hair grow back in between waxings. As for the bikini wax I told her I managed that on my own. And I won't even entertain the thought of a Brazilian. That is not an option for me...ever. I will tend to that issue in my own manner, sans wax. I love the scene from Sex and the City when the girls go to LA and Carrie accidentally gets a Brazilian wax. Carrie seems baffled by it but there's no registration of pain on her face. From what I've heard that is not realistic. It's also not a simple process. I do love TV. Anyway I will not undergo a beauty treatment in which I need to contort into various positions then take ibuprofen before hand and ice afterwards.
It does seem strange that in this day there's not better technology than razors, waxing and electrolysis out there to remove hair. It seems that any decade now evolution will dictate that women (and hopefully men) will not need body hair in certain areas. In the future perhaps women won't have to worry about grooming any hair other than what's on their heads.
Now call me old fashioned but I don't think that we need to widely advertise products that are designed to groom our crotches. I'm already annoyed that ads for tampons, feminine anti-itch creams and other horrid female issues are on TV at all. I don't want to see them. I'm pretty damn sure men don't want to know about any of this. I mean, you don't see ads targeted at jock itch. I hate the damn erectile dysfunction ads.
But apparently it's the thing now to advertise that women really need to 'mow the lawn' on a regular basis (That's a link to a youtube clip and I can't tell if it's a legitimate advertisement or not. Either way...BLAH)

you ain't foolin no one

2011-07-13T13:08:00.001-07:00

There are only a small, minuscule percentage of people who are adept at fooling people. Most of those who attempt to put on airs, pretend to be someone they aren’t or hide their true feelings aren’t fooling anyone.

I’m specifically thinking of the smarmy, jerk faced, I’m so damned cool and full of myself individuals. They walk around with their noses in the air like their pooh don’t stink but really? They’re even more insecure than most.

The truly confident folks are the ones who don’t need to advertise how awesome they are. It’s easy to pick these individuals out from the rest of the crowd. It’s almost as though they have a homing beacon on them. Their aura glows. They have a gravity that attracts others to them immediately.

Meanwhile the disgusting, egotistical, need to compensate for lack of something (be it personality, brains, balls) people drive people away. Their desperation is almost tangible.

It’s one thing to be assertive, have positive, constructive interactions with other humans, even if they aren’t necessarily happy interactions. It’s another to belittle, berate and speak to someone in a condescending manner. Does insulting someone, screaming obscenities and treating them like they aren’t human really truly make anyone feel better? No. It might seem like it but no.

So go on, walk around like you are Ruler of the Universe and THE sole Supreme Human. You’re not fooling anyone.

just like mama made it

2011-07-13T00:27:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article in Yankee Magazine (yes I'm an old woman) about a man on a quest to duplicate his grandmother's sweet pickles. Try as he might he couldn't figure it out. We all have stories of family recipes passed down through generations - usually they are not written down. Instead they are learned and shared during those intimate moments when families gather in the kitchen to prepare home cooked meals. Typically the recipe started with basic ingredients but when the chef starts to season to taste or adds a dash of this or a sprig of that it changes everything.
As I don't cook I'm actually not familiar with this process. I've tried cooking and baking. I have failed miserably. I know it's a learned skill in some ways. In others it's a talent. My sister can whip up a meal from scratch without planning. She uses whatever is in her fridge or pantry. My dad is a talented chef in his own right. He makes his own cooking sauces and marinades. He makes the best chicken noodle soup from scratch, literally. Even the noodles are hand made. I'm drooling just thinking about it. My mom also is a whiz when it comes to lasagna, meatloaf, pot roast, spaghetti, chili...all comfort foods. My brother spent decades trying to recreate mom's meatloaf. He's come close but like the man in the article, he can't get it quite right. It doesn't taste bad but it's missing something.
As cheesy as it sounds there are two reasons why I think it's impossible to duplicate these recipes exactly. One has to do with memory. Smell and taste are so strongly tied to our memory that it's very possible the settings and surroundings have as much to do with the taste as the actual ingredients do. There's something about being in my parents' kitchen, savory smells wafting from the oven, the familiar routine and chatter, sitting at the table as a family. I think that's a big part of it.
The other reason is that these homemade foods are made with love. I know, how corny. I can't believe that cynical, bitter me even said that but it's true. These foods are made to feed not just the body but the soul. The time and effort it takes to put together a meal from scratch is amazing. My mom could very easily tell me that I'm an adult and she doesn't want to cook for me anymore. But if we ask she will always have our favorites on the table when we arrive. Her marinara sauce alone takes a few days to prepare. If he has time dad will make the noodles for the lasagna or spaghetti. During winter months, Dad will make a variety of homemade soups from scratch and then bottle enough for us to last until spring. Again the preparation is days long and he makes enough to feed an army (or me and my sister).
So try as we might to duplicate those wonderful homemade treats from our childhood, it might not be possible.

lately

2011-07-12T00:23:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling...just...arugh. I mean aide from being physically sick that is. I hate this restless, antsy, want to crawl out of my skin feeling. There's no real explanation. Part of it has to do with the fact I hate summer. It also comes with the looming date on the calendar - my birthday. I don't like my birthday at all. I'll be glad when it's passed. I thought I was alone in hating my birthday but once again, the blogosphere proves that there are others out there like me. Of course I can't find the post or the blog specifically but I do recall a recent post in which the writer said she didn't enjoy celebrating her birthday either. I wish I had saved the link.
Anywho...
I'm so burnt out on everything right now, especially pop culture news. I'm so over hearing about celebrity babies (well celebrities in general), reality TV shows, Will and Kate's visit to the US, the 2012 election, Casey Anthony, planking.
I'm feeling pretty psyched about the US Women beating Brazil. I'm saddened by the tragic sinking of the passenger boat in Russia in which 120+ people perished, the majority being children. I'm stunned by Rupert Murdoch. I celebrated in a bittersweet way as Atlantis blasted off one last time.
Lastly and most importantly I am anxiously awaiting the final Harry Potter movie. Yes, yes I know. I am one of the billions enthralled with the entire franchise. I've read every single book several times. I stood in long lines at midnight to buy books 5, 6 and 7. I've seen the movies as well though still enjoy the books the best (I did NOT stand in line for midnight showings of the movies). I haven't gone as overboard as the Twilight fans have. Given the books aren't based on a teenage love triangle there's not the 'sexy' factor playing into my interest in the series. I'm not obsessed. I've never dressed up. I don't participate in discussions or chat rooms. I won't be going to the Harry Potter world in Florida. I don't play Quidditch (yes it's become a real sport that has appeared on several college campuses across the country). I simply love the world and the characters JK Rowling has created.
I'm hoping the week passes quickly. That nervous breakdown feeling is too close for comfort right now.

i'm the only ONE!!

2011-07-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

Am I the only person who looks at my friends and family and thinks, 's/he looks like (insert famous person's name here)'? Seriously...it might be a slight mental disorder.

via internet

My former BFF looks like Cameron Diaz. Her sister looks like Reese Witherspoon. My niece looks like Dakota Fanning. My ex-fiance looks like Willow* though I'm not the only one who thought this. His nickname, unbeknownst to him, WAS Willow (it could have also had to do with the fact he was 5'3"). One of my former roommates looks like Julianna Marguiles. My friend Heidi looks like Eva Longoria. My dad could be Johnny Cash's double. I could go on and on.

Last year when people were posting pictures of the celebrity they most look like on their Face Book walls, it really threw me for a loop. They say everyone has a double. I guess it's true. Interestingly enough I wasn't able to do this though. When I searched for my double using various internet tools, only men were given in the results (and yes, I clicked I was female). I've always suspected I looked masculine but that simply reaffirmed it. That's why I don't wear my hair short despite the fact I love the idea of having a pixie haircut. When I was younger, I did have short hair. I was new in school and a lot of people, teachers included, thought I was a boy. So...you know...I have a bit of a complex. Growing up when I called people on the phone, they always thought I was a boy. A few parents actually said, 'she's too young to talk to boys'. Instead of trying to explain I would hang up, totally embarrassed.

via internet

So as you can guess, reading celebrity gossip is a bit challenging for me because I often think, what is my friend doing in the gossip rag? Maybe I can declare this an actual disorder, have it documented in the DSM-V and then request a celebrity tele-a-thon raising money for research and a cure. Or maybe not as the presence of so many celebrities might cause my brain to go haywire as it tries to separate the celebs from my friends and family.

---------------
*side note, Willow was a movie in the late 80s starring Val Kilmer and come to find, Warwick Davis, who is Professor Flitwick in the Harry Potter movies!

lots of EW

2011-07-09T00:44:00.000-07:00

Observing people...it's fun, humbling and eye opening. Riding the bus, shopping in all forms, even living in an apartment complex are all prime settings for people watching.
Tonight, as I was leaving for my run, once again someone yelled at me for not holding the back gate open. He had to go out of his way to hike up the stairs. REALLY?! That's twice now. Both times it's been a man who has tried to enter. Call me crazy but I don't like strange men using the sneaky side entrance to my building. Building management is of course aware of the issue but short of blocking off that gate entirely there's not much they can do. I'm actually fine with this. Yes it's slightly more convenient for me to use this gate but there are several other legitimate ways to enter and leave the building.
During my run, I spotted a mom and her son on the trail. She was attempting to run but was really just sort of skipping, lopping along. She was paying no attention to her son though. He was probably about 8 and was dawdling behind her. He was wandering off in the bushes, picking up random sticks and other such plants. He would call out to her but she was too far away to hear. Finally she turned around and yelled, 'I am TRYING TO RUN! Do NOT talk to ME!'. Um...why did you bring him? Or why are you trying to run? Can't you walk? Or does he not have a bike to ride? Yikes. I passed them later on my way back and they were BOTH digging in the bushes (she was weeding actually which is strange since it was public paths and it's all super overgrown) so I guess she either felt bad or gave up.
On the bus today I observed a guy hitting on a girl. Let me rephrase: I saw a creepy old man hitting on an underage girl. He looked like he wanted to touch her...inappropriately. It was disgusting. He gave off a creepy vibe. He was flirting openly. He kept winking at her too. That was during my morning commute. On the ride home, I saw a different old man staring at me. He was not just looking in my direction, he was LEERING, his mouth was hanging open and he was touching his crotch. Given that it's public transportation it's possible this person was not all there mentally. I've seen it happen a few times at downtown coffee shops...the men looked to be a bit...off. But it's still very unsettling.
On a totally separate note I'm so annoyed by Blogger...again! One of the other bloggers I follow moved her blog to WordPress and did so via a tutorial she found. It seems pretty painless. I think I might try because I'm sick of certain widgets not showing up. I hate that it crashes all the damn time. I know it's free and shouldn't complain too much but it's just not reliable! Even for a free service...
Speaking of being sick, I've had a sinus infection all week. GADS. I hope I start feeling better soon. Sinus infections are the worst. UGH.

Mercedes memory

2011-07-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

source: internet

When I was young, my dad drove a Mercedes convertible, very similar to the one in the picture. I loved that car. We were living in Seattle at the time so it was rare that we were able to actually enjoy the car with the top down. However, I have fond memories of that car. Every Saturday morning he would take me to Dunkin Donuts. We'd sit at the counter. He'd order a coffee and a donut, read the paper and smoke his cigarette. I'd get a sprinkle donut and a chocolate milk. We always took his Mercedes.
Dad traveled quite a bit during my early years. So these Saturdays were special to me. He told me that when I was old enough to learn to drive, he'd teach me in that car. Then I would inherit the Mercedes. Well, because of several factors, he ended up selling that car. I was sad (though I'm sure he was even more heartbroken). To this day when I see an early 80s model Mercedes convertible it takes me back to those mornings with my Dad.

Wordless Wednesdays

2011-07-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

source: internet

torn

2011-07-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today while on my run, I spotted a little Asian girl, probably no more than five, standing on the side of the trail next to a bike. She was adorable. She had on a frilly dress, a Hello Kitty bike helmet and cute little sandals. She was looking her bike up and down. It was as quite as she was: pink and white one with a basket, tassels and training wheels. I wasn’t quite sure what she was doing. It didn’t appear that she belonged to any of the adults in the vicinity. As I neared she hopped back on her bike and rode it down the hill. I knew immediately she was going to tip as she rounded one of the corners. There’s this sort of sketchy part of the trail I run…it’s about 50 ft total. It’s a swampy type area under a highway overpass. I’ve seen people kayak through the slough but not very often. I get a bit nervous running along that bit because it also looks like homeless folks camp there at night. There are also lots of bushes where one can hide and jump out at any time. Anyway, she was taking the corner and her bike tipped and she fell into the dirt. I still didn’t see any adults that were concerned for her. Part of me worried she had strayed down the path from the neighborhood and no one knew she was missing. Here was my dilemma: what should I do? Should I stop and be sure she’s ok? Do I keep going? Due to the litigious paranoid society we live in, I am hesitant to talk to children if adults are not present. I’d hate for the kid to start screaming ‘stranger danger!’ or something worse should I talk to them. I also don’t want to be ‘the last person who saw the child alive’. Yes I’m paranoid but I’m not sure one can blame me given all common sense flies out the window anymore. Children are suspended or expelled for bringing plastic knives in their lunch boxes. 18 year olds are going to jail for having consensual sex with 17 year olds. Grownups can’t even look out their front window at children playing in the snow without being accused of being child predators. Parents can’t take pictures of their kids in the bathtub because it’s considered child porn. As I ran past her, she was picking herself up and dusting off her dress. She didn’t appear to be wailing. She wasn’t bleeding. So I kept running. I didn’t want to but I really wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t have my phone so it’s not like I could call for help. Thankfully up ahead I saw a man pushing his bike. I hoped he was the guardian. I noticed he too was Asian so I took a guess that he might know her. I slowed and asked if that was his little girl. He nodded. I told him that she had fallen from her bike. He nodded, put his bike in the grass and slowly made his way back to her. Now…again being super paranoid if I were in charge of that kid, I would not have let her out of my sight in the first place. I would have made sure she was riding ahead of me or at least close enough behind me that I could have seen her fall. She was far enough out of his sight that anything could have happened. That could be my motherly instinct (gasp) coming out but I think it’s just the reality of the world today. I don’t trust anyone and am especially cautious about my physical safety and the safety of children.

Interestingly this comes on the day of the Casey Anthony verdict. I did not follow her trial. I’m not quite sure about the fascination other than it’s a sick story. I have to say that I didn’t know enough about her case before the trial. Based on what I did learn I’d have to say she’s guilty. That being said, she either had a great defense or the prosecution did a poor job…or both. Our justice system is so messed up that I would never EVER want to be on trial. It’s not about guilt or innocence. It’s about whether you can afford a great defense attorney. It’s about what the judge will allow to be admitted as evidence. It’s about the intelligence of the jurors. All I can say is “Yikes”.

homeland security has infiltrated my nail salon

2011-07-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

Today as I was spoiling myself with my weekly manicure (and being that it’s sort of summer, a pedicure), I overheard a conversation that a customer was having with the technician.

I love the ladies at my nail salon. I’ve been going there for three years. I know them all by name. They are so nice, make me laugh and I enjoy my time there. As with most nail salons, the owner and the workers are all Vietnamese women. Their English is OK but broken. They still struggle to have solid conversations sometimes. The plus side is that unlike other salons I’ve gone to, I don’t worry they’re talking about me in a negative way. Though I don’t go out of my way to make friends with the regular customers we do nod in recognition. Besides I’m not a stay at home, wealthy, luxury SUV driving soccer mom so they don’t want to talk to me anyway.

Of course all conversations can be heard because it's a tiny space. Usually it’s just small talk between customer and technician especially as it’s sort of tough to converse with the techs. Most of the customers read or relax. If they came with someone they talk to each other. But today a customer was grilling one of the technicians – I’ll call her K.

I listened as K answered so...many...questions (I tried to remember them all):

her husband - 'what does he do?', 'how long have you been married?', 'how old were you when you got married?'

her family (both here and in Vietnam) - 'when did you come to this country?', 'when did they come to this country?', 'why doesn't your mom move to the US?', 'what states do your sibilings live in?', 'what do they do?', 'are they married?', 'do they want your mom to move here?', 'does your husband get along with your mom?'

her visits to Vietnam - 'how often do you go?', 'when did you last go?', 'have you taken your son?', 'does your husband's family still live there?', 'did she see them during their last visit?'

her citizenship status - 'are you going to become a citizen?', 'is your husband a citizen?', 'are you on a green card?', 'how long before you take your test?'

K fielded the questions as best she could. The customer was as aggressive as Homeland Security interrogating a potential terrorist. I wouldn't have been surprised if this woman carried a water board with her. She wouldn’t let anything go. When she learned K has a nine month old son, the question, ‘when are you having more?!’ flew out of the customer’s mouth. K said she doesn’t want any more children, the customer said, ‘oh you’ll change your mind’. I. CAN’T. STAND. THAT. When she asked why, K’s reply was that being a mom was more difficult than she thought. The lady said, ‘oh it’s easier with two…or THREE!’ Then she went on that K should have a girl. Wouldn’t it be fun to have a girl? She asked how K’s husband felt about having only one child. It went on and on like this.

First, while asking new moms the standard line of questions is fine, insisting they need to have more is so not appropriate. Her baby is only 9 months! She isn’t a member of the Duggar Family. There’s no need to pop out kids like a log ride. Also, if she doesn’t want any more children, RESPECT that. I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine that two is any easier than one. Even if it’s easier to have another baby because you know what to expect I don’t think having a growing family is easier. There’s space issue, financial issues, fertility issues – so many personal factors that are none of this lady’s business.

Anyway, while K is so nice and friendly I was annoyed on her behalf. This woman sat there decked out in highly expensive designer clothes, dripping with diamonds, hair perfectly coiffed. I’m sure she had children of her own but as with most women who come to the salon they had at least one nanny. It’s easy to say, ‘have more kids’ when you are financially secure and can afford help in raising them.

Working in customer service means the workers are harangued by ridiculously nosy customers asking extremely personal questions.

I’m so very glad I don’t have to do that anymore. Out of sympathy I tipped K extra today. She may have not minded but I did.

This is what I meant by that

if only

letters of complaint

'fat days' are clearly the work of terrorists

battle of the bulge

stream of consciousness rant

counting down

ennui

suck it 2011

inconceivable

evil

what have we become?

I'm a mean Ms Grinch

at least TRY to sound intelligent

Really?! I mean...REALLY?!

they probably pay in pennies too

my body is my worst enemy

catching up on my rants

gallimaufry

oh...life

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Ten

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Nine (but really it's day six or something)

ugh my ears!

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Eight

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Seven

A long long time ago...

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Six

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Five

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Four

Autumn, I *heart* you

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Three

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day Two

Ten Day YOU Challenge: Day One

my alternate universe

ba-ba-ba-blog

it's always something

nematode

moments i'd like to erase: moment #2

kids' bedrooms from around the globe

another break up letter: Gap edition

Semi Wordless Wednesday

the other side of me

it is indeed a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world

um, it's not quite the same

just call me 'belle'

no 'we' for me

is it or isn't it

grandpa

my summer of discontent

it's no melrose place

what's next? bambi as rambo?

tragedy in oslo

commercial earworms

phew

as i enter my mid-30s

a bedtime story...of sorts

moments i'd like to erase: moment #1

does it or doesn't it

is there a kid-free option?

what exactly am i hydrating?

you ain't foolin no one

just like mama made it

lately

i'm the only ONE!!

lots of EW

Mercedes memory

Wordless Wednesdays

torn

homeland security has infiltrated my nail salon

Autumn, I heart you